Occulta Fabula
by Third Person Point of View
Summary: ME, ME2, and ME3 content. This is the parts of the story you didn't see in Shepard and her team's adventures. Multiple pairings.
1. Chapter 1

Shepard saluted as the commanding officer approached. "Captain Anderson."

Anderson had a stern, proudly carved face that had the years upon years of service written on every line. The man was a living legend, though she had never personally worked with him before. He gave a perfunctory, "At ease," and looked her over. His eyes were dark and observant, not missing a thing.

"It's a pleasure to serve under you, Captain," Shepard said, clasping her hands behind her back as she and Anderson turned to watch the crew stream onto the ship.

He nodded. "Finally getting to meet the illustrious Shepard." He turned her attention around to the CIC of the warship. "The opportunity to test a prototype warship. Even if it is only a shake-down run, I can't say it'll be a complete waste. What do you think of her?"

She let her eyes rove over the sleek lines of the ship, bursting with cutting-edge, highly expensive technology and equipment. "The Normandy certainly is a beautiful ship. I hope she flies as well as she looks."

"She will," Anderson responded confidently. "The pilot is uppity, but he's the best there is."

"Commander Shepard."

The poly-symphonic voice alone told her it was a turian standing behind her. She turned and found herself looking up into a russet and white painted face. She greeted him cordially.

"You know my name, but I don't have the pleasure of knowing yours," she said.

"Commander, this is Nihlus Kryik, a Council Spectre. He'll be observing the mission," Anderson said.

"The Normandy is a spearhead in human-turian cooperation. A lot rides on its success," Nihlus added, his sharp eyes staring at Shepard hard.

She didn't take any offence at the direct gaze, she had dealt with turians before. They were a straight-forward, decisive race that was highly militarized. They tended to keep a lot close to the chest and were incredible strategistists. Shepard understood the turian interest in the project, seeing as it the ship was co-designed, but they could have sent a plethora of other turian soldiers. Commanders, captains, even generals. There was something that struck her as odd that they sent a Spectre.

The crew had all boarded and the supplies being loaded were being strapped down. Around her the CIC was bustling with soldiers and recruits getting to their duties as the take-off preparations were starting. Anderson left her and Nihlus to see to the bridge as their maiden flight was about to begin. Shepard took her leave of the turian and went to complete her own duties, keenly aware of his eyes following her as she went.

...

"How long do you think the mission on Eden Prime is going to take?"

Kaidan shook his head with a little laugh. This was the fifth time today that Jenkins had asked that very question. He sighed, "It's just a shake-down run. It depends on what the Captain decides."

"Yeah, well, hopefully we won't stay long," Jenkins said, leaning back against some crates. He hadn't given the same attention to detail while packing his equipment into his locker that Kaidan did. "I want real action and the sooner we get this whole maiden voyage shit over with the sooner I'll get it."

"Action isn't all it's cracked up to be," Kaidan said. He was meticulously going over all of his weaponry and packing it away carefully. He took in a deep breath and closed his eyes against the migraine he could feel beginning to pound at the back of his head.

"Look, I grew up on Eden Prime. It's boring as shit. There's nothing there but peaceful little farms and simple, peaceful little people who don't want anything but their crops and some quiet. Boring. You got a cigarette?"

Kaidan shook his head and shut his locker. "I'm going to get some shut eye before I'm on duty."

"Later."

Kaidan headed up the elevator to the crew quarters and pushed past bustling soldiers until he found the room he and three other marines shared. He crawled onto his bunk and snapped the lights off. He didn't even bother pulling off anything but his boots. He wished it were colder, the cold always helped some, but the room was on the warmer side. Kaidan draped an arm over his eyes as his head pulsed heavily. He should take some painkillers, but they were in his duffle near the door and he didn't want to get up.

He didn't understand why he was here. Him, Jenkins, the other marines. Why did they need a squad of marines on a do-nothing mission? Especially an L2 Sentinel. He pushed the thought away and rolled onto his side, into the wall, and tried to shut his brain down. What did it matter to him? He didn't need to question it, he was a soldier and he would follow his orders.

Darkness took him.

...

Joker subtly looked over his shoulder as he heard Nihlus pad away. He pursed his lips before turning back to his control pad and shaking his head.

"I hate that guy," he murmured.

"Nihlus gave you a compliment," Kaidan said. "So you hate him."

Even as he explained his point, Joker internally scoffed. These soldiers didn't understand the craft in what he did. How could they? They ran around with big guns shooting other people with big guns. They idolized raw power and strength, not precision and subtlety. His entire life had been one huge lesson on how physical strength doesn't always make you the best. Joker appreciated speed and accuracy. He loved sitting in the Normandy's pilot seat. Loved it because it meant that he'd earned the chance to fly her, this untested, ultra-expensive warship. It was placed in his hands. His fragile, aching hands, because despite his lack of strength he was the best there was.

Kaidan was defending the Council's right to protect their interests with a Spectre, but Joker scoffed aloud this time.

"Yeah, that is the 'official' story. Only an idiot believes the official story."

From behind him, he heard the husky voice of Commander Shepard. "They don't send Spectre's on shake-down runs."

At the sight of her, he absently thought there was an addendum to the "lunkhead" soldier persona. The more specialized they were, the less caveman-esque they became. Sure, you had your rank-climbers who got the titles and the pay-raises because Mommy or Daddy or Uncle Joe pulled some strings, but the elite soldiers with actual talent were something different. Their general philosophy in life didn't differ too much, but at least they had a certain amount of brains. Shepard did at least. She seemed to take a certain interest in gleaning information out of people and storing it away. For what purpose, Joker wasn't sure, but she was sharp as a tack, didn't miss a beat, and, most importantly, knew when to speak up and when to shut her mouth.

Captain Anderson's voice snapped at him over the intercom and he responded, his fingers flying over the touchpad smoothly.

"He sounds angry," Shepard said, turning to head off the bridge. "Something must've gone wrong with the mission."

"Captain always sounds like that when he's talking to me," Joker stated matter-of-factly.

"Can't possibly imagine why," Kaidan said sarcastically.

Joker turned to look at him. "I think I like you, Alenko. You're kind of a dick." Kaidan just grinned and turned back to his screen. Joker looked back at the retreating shape of the commander. He nodded towards her general direction. "She's intimidating, huh?"

Kaidan took in a deep breath and raised his brows. "I guess. I haven't actually spoken to her."

"Yeah, but, come on. The woman is a walking, talking legend. Hero of Elysium, ridiculously effective Vanguard, decorated soldier. The hero worship they've built around her alone is daunting."

"Commander Shepard!" Jenkins' voice boomed faintly from somewhere near the back of the CIC.

"Then again some people are dauntless," Kaidan said with a smile.

"Or stupid. Whichever comes first," Joker responded.

"Jenkins is a good kid. Sometimes, he can just get… over-eager."

"Does over-eager mean loud, happy, and dumb as shit in your dictionary?"

"I haven't really had a chance to look it up."

...

Shepard mentally noted that she owed Joker a drink when they got back. He had been more right than even she had thought. Not only was it _not_ a simple shake-down run, but a retrieval of a Prothean beacon, and it was completely fucked before they even touched ground. She finished adjusting the snap on her boot and looked up at her two teammates. Alenko was double-checking his pistol and she saw him flex his hand and clench, a thin, wavering field of blue surrounding the fist for a split second before it faded. Jenkins was bouncing on the balls of his feet. He caught her eyes and grinned wildly. He was a goofy kid, but sweet. She needed to clamp down his enthusiasm before it did any damage though. Captain Anderson addressed them over the rush of air coming in through the open bay door, briefing them on their objective. The sound of an assault rifle being cocked caught the three marines' attention.

"Nihlus, you're coming with us?" Jenkins asked, his bouncing stilled momentarily.

"I move faster on my own," the turian Spectre responded before trotting out of the ship, weapon at the ready.

Anderson had commanded radio silence and a hasty completion of the mission and Shepard intended to comply. She motioned her team forward and watched the Normandy pull up and away, out of immediate danger.

"I want a clean operation," she said to the two marines under her. "We need to get the beacon off this colony asap."

"Aye, aye, sir," came the twin responses; one overly excited, the other sharp and ready.

Nihlus was already buzzing bad news into her ear. Some of Jenkins' energy had faded at the sight of his home colony in ruins. He seemed dazed now, Shepard had to snap him into focus several times. Alenko was tight, ready and coiled and highly uncomfortable. He had good, sharp instinct. He knew, as she did, that they had walked into something big and bad.

"Oh God. What happened here?" Jenkins muttered, awestruck, under his breath.

"Focus, Private. We need to move quickly," Shepard snapped as she led the way cautiously up a slight slope of land.

Jenkins quieted down, but his eyes kept flicking to the smoke rising in the distance to their left. Shepard raised a fist to halt them behind a tall outcropping of rock, her eyes sweeping over the area. Once she was positive it was clear, she signalled her team forward. Alenko ran out first, low to the ground and sticking to cover. Jenkins followed, straying to the middle of the path.

"Private, hold to cover!" Shepard hissed.

But before the words were halfway out of her mouth, two enemy recon drones zipped around the corner and targeted the private. He yelled out as the shots tore through his armor, jerking twice before slumping to the ground in a heap.

"Fuck!" she heard Alenko growl before aiming a devastating sabotage attack at one of the drones.

It whined and spiraled to the ground with an explosion. Shepard peeked out from behind her cover and took point. She and Alenko mopped up the other two drones quickly. The second she gave the "all clear", he broke cover and ran to the private's still form. She heard him curse again as she walked up to them. He shook his head and looked up at her.

"I know some first aid," Kaidan said. He leaned forward and drew his fingers over Jenkins' eyes, closing them. "But not enough. Ripped right through his shields. Never had a chance."

Shepard felt the ache of disappointment in her gut. She knew he had been letting the demolishment of his home colony get to him. He had been getting sloppy and she had tried to fight against that, but she should've been more adamant. She looked down at him.

He had been so young.


	2. Chapter 2

"You know I can call you when the commander wakes up, Kaidan, you don't have to stay here. I know it's been a stressful day."

Dr. Chakwas gave him a sympathetic look, but he just sighed, not moving from his position up against the wall. Williams was with the Captain, debriefing him on what she knew. Jenkins was dead. Nihlus was dead. The beacon was destroyed. Saren had vanished. And Shepard had been unconscious for fifteen hours now. He had already been through his own debriefing and a violent migraine that included a lovely dose of extreme vomiting. He wouldn't leave Shepard now. Not when it was his fault she was unconscious in the first place.

"I know that look," Chakwas said disapprovingly. "You can't blame yourself. No one knew anything like this would happen. The area was clear and-"

"I should've kept my guard up. Who knows what that beacon did to her?" Kaidan interrupted. He rubbed the bridge of his nose where the dull throb still lay, the only remnant of the migraine it had once been.

"Kaidan-"

"Are you sure she should be sleeping like this? She doesn't have a concussion."

Chakwas turned, giving up on her argument. She sat at her paper-strewn desk and began filling out her medical report. "Nothing but a couple of scrapes and bruises."

Kaidan looked at the doctor's back for a moment before pushing himself off the wall and going to stand closer to Shepard's bed. She was still unconscious, her chest rising and falling deeply. Her long hair was fanned around her. He remembered his surprise when they had removed her helmet and it had cascaded down her back and shoulders in a flaming splendor of thick, red locks. Her brow furrowed and she tossed her head slightly in her sleep.

It was he that should've been tossing on that bed, not her. Guilt churned heavily in his already upset stomach. Before they had landed on Eden Prime, he had never even spoken to the famous Commander Shepard. But he hadn't been able to keep himself from observing her and what he saw impressed him. He could hardly keep himself from looking when her person drew every eye in the room simply by entering it. It wasn't that she was outstandingly beautiful. There were many other women who were much prettier than her, but she had a palpable fire that was exciting in its heat. Her fierce features suited her remarkably well: the brilliance of her keen green eyes, the fire in her hair, the strong lines of her nose and jaw, the fullness of her mouth, and the slight smattering of freckles that were sprayed across the bridge of her nose and the apples of her cheeks. Even the scar cutting through her eyebrow was dangerously enticing.

Although she was attractive, it wasn't her physical make-up that interested Kaidan. He had watched her work, both from afar on the Normandy and much more intensely on Eden Prime, up close. Watching Shepard in motion was intoxicating. She seemed to have a way of wrapping those around her in the energy of her sheer will. Shepard was fiercely determined and inextricably intertwined herself in what she was doing, no matter how trivial the task. There was almost no difference between the focus she gave to the person having a casual conversation with her to the focus she gave to efficiently wiping out a squadron of geth. She was an expert in reading people and understanding their strengths and weaknesses. She then made those strength and weaknesses her own and used them accordingly. She was an excellent strategist, taking intelligent, calculated risks for a big payout. Working with her had thrilled him, knowing that she was utterly in control of each situation, knowing that he was not being left aside or forgotten or made ill use of. Shepard utilized each of her assets with ruthless cunning. No detail was too small for her to overlook.

She had promised Jenkins a proper burial.

Kaidan suddenly had the urge to reach out and brush the fiery locks of hair from her face and squelched the feeling with a clench of his fist. Shepard gave a low moan and her eyes were beginning to flutter open, gazing dimly at the ceiling above her.

"Doctor?" Kaidan called, not taking his eyes off of her. "Doctor Chakwas? I think she's waking up."

...

Her debriefing with Captain Anderson had been long and unsatisfactory. The baseline of it all was that they were irrevocably fucked. After Dr. Chakwas had cleared her with a quick, "I still can't believe nothing is broken," she headed towards the bridge to relay Anderson's orders to Joker. He caught her rolling her shoulder and looked like he wanted to say something, but bit his tongue and turned back to the flying grid. Shepard rolled her shoulder again, which was still aching, and headed back.

Kaidan Alenko was in the mess as he said he'd be. She caught his eye and he gave a small smile as she walked over. Kaidan was shockingly beautiful, both for a man and a marine. With his olive skin tone, his dark hooded eyes, thick, black hair, and the muscle tone that came with years of military service, he was extraordinarily good-looking. Shepard had overheard some of the recruits in the kitchen giggling and swooning over him. The fact that he was usually brooding mysteriously added to the general air of lust that surrounded him.

"Commander," he greeted.

Oh, and his voice was sex as an audio file. Low and raspy, Joker was always saying that it could make straight men swoon and gay women question themselves.

"No one is safe when you open your mouth, Lieutenant. No one. Not even me," he had joked once and gave Kaidan a wink.

"Well, I can kiss you if it'll shut you the hell up already," Kaidan had replied, unfazed.

"I'm afraid our love can never be. It is forbidden."

"Kaidan," Shepard said. "How are you holding up?"

"Me? You're the one who got knocked out pushing my sorry ass out of the way. I apologize, Commander. I should never have gone near that beacon."

Shepard looked him over. The stubborn assumal of responsibility was etched into each feature. She looked behind him at the food counter. "You drink coffee?"

"Only when life is shitty," he responded with a small smirk.

"Life is always shitty," she responded.

They fixed their mugs of coffee in silence and Shepard led the way to one of the abandoned mess hall tables. Kaidan took the seat across from her.

"Commander, I'm glad to see you're okay," he began. "Losing Jenkins was hard on the crew and… I'm glad we didn't lose you too."

"Jenkins was a good kid and I'm sorry we lost him. I wish there was something I could've done to save him."

"I was there. You did everything right, it was just bad luck. You can't blame yourself for that."

"And you can't blame yourself for what happened with the beacon."

Kaidan looked up at her sharply then. He hadn't expected her to say anything along those lines, she knew. His dark eyes were fixed sharply on her, taking her in. He had impressed her on Eden Prime. She had heard good things about him: he was a competent soldier, a talented Sentinel, and had been lucky enough that the only side effect of his L2 implant were occasional severe migraines. Yet, she had never seen him flack on his duties. He was friendly with the rest of the crew, but he had definitely built up some sturdy walls. Years upon years of careful control and keeping to himself had heavily reinforced those walls.

It was his reaction to his friend's death that had truly marked him in her book. He had been angry, upset, and hurt, but was able to compartmentalize and prioritize. He took direction keenly, only brooking opposition to orders when he had analytically thought through a better alternative.

"The mission on Eden Prime was complicated from the beginning. A lot of things happened that were regrettable. Jenkins and Nihlus will both be missed and they will both get the burial services they deserve." Shepard sipped at her coffee, the hot drink scalding her mouth pleasantly.

"Yeah." Kaidan was quiet for a moment. "I guess you never really get used to seeing dead civilians. At least you stopped Saren from wiping out that whole colony."

"Couldn't have done it without 're one mean son of a bitch with those biotics."

Kaidan gave a small laugh and shrugged. "You're not so bad yourself so I'll take that as a compliment."

"You should. Things got pretty rough down there and you held your own. I'm truly sorry about your friend."

"Anderson sent orders to have his parents informed, but with the colony in ruins, its been hard getting a hold of them. Losing soldiers is always a tough business. And this whole mission was a nightmare. I mean, it ended with one Spectre killing another. The Council isn't going to like that at all."

"You sound like you know a thing or two. You a career man?"

"Most biotics are," Kaidan responded with a shrug, leaning back in his chair. He rested an elbow on the back of his chair and crossed his ankle onto his knee. Christ, was he even aware of how gorgeous he was? It seemed wholly unnatural for someone to be so pretty and so masculine at the same time. Why didn't she have his lashes? "We aren't documented, but we sure as hell aren't unregistered. Might as well get a paycheck for it. Plus, my father served. Made him proud when I enlisted… eventually."

There was something about his delay that intrigued her. There was something about _him_ that intrigued her. There were layers upon layers to him that she was itching to peel off, but she knew that she couldn't rush anything. Kaidan would give little bits and pieces of himself up when he was good and ready. If he was ever good and ready. She enjoyed talking to him, was suddenly glad that he was a part of her team. Was suddenly aware that she would need to tread carefully if she didn't want to end up with a school-girl crush. They finished their conversation and their coffee. Then Shepard stood and he followed.

"I'd better go check in with Joker," she said.

He nodded and watched her go.

...

"This is bullshit and you know it, Pallin!"

"You're out of line. Watch your tone."

Garrus didn't back down and instead pointed roughly to the datapad he had thrown on tossed on the Executor's desk. "He's guilty and you know it. Saren is a monster and he's running loose. Why do we need to cut through all the red tape to do what we know is the right thing anyway."

"There's no hard proof. I've got nothing to go on but your suspicions."

"You're covering for him! Because he's a turian. He's a criminal!"

"He's a Spectre!" Pallin snapped. "He's practically untouchable and you want me to order an arrest because your gut says he's guilty? Get your head out of your ass, Garrus. Either bring me something I can use or it's over. Now get the fuck out of my office."

Garrus grabbed his datapad back angrily and stormed out of the executor's office. The hearing was in three hours and Pallin was giving him nothing to go on. Saren was guilty and he knew it. And his hands were tied. He hated the constant feeling of uselessness that C-Sec left him with. Nothing was ever easy, everything was bound in miles and miles of regulations and red tape. He stepped back into his tiny office and threw the datapad onto his desk. Years of training, time serving on the force, experience… it didn't matter. He was wasted and useless. Unable to lift a finger without sixteen different signatures. Garrus punched the wall beside him hard, his knuckles stinging violently.

"You should find something that hits back," said a familiar, taunting voice behind him.

Garrus didn't bother turning to look as he headed towards his desk. "Fuck you, Chellick."

Three hours. He had three hours to find something, _anything_ that would sway Pallin.

...

"You're not on duty when we're docked are you?" Shepard asked.

"No, but sometimes its more of a pain to get up and go to my cabin than to just sit here," Joker responded, patting the arms of his trusty chair. He paused as she placed a glass with a golden-brown liquid down in front of him. "Wha…?"

Shepard sat in the chair beside him and settled in with her own glass. "I didn't know your drink, but I figured everyone must like whiskey. And if they don't they should."

Joker slowly reached forward and took the glass, still staring at her with narrowed eyes. "Aren't _you_ on duty, ma'am?"

"You hush now," she replied taking a sip and sighing.

Joker hesitantly brought the drink to his lips and sipped. It was peaty and strong and he winced against it for a moment. "Can I ask why the drink, Commander?"

Shepard crossed her legs and watched her glass as she swirled the liquid inside. "I owed you a drink."

"For…?"

"For being right on the money about the mission. Everyone deserves a drink when they're righter than right."

Joker grinned. "I like that philosophy. Cheers."

Shepard raised the glass at him before they drank again. "Hell of a way to start off on a new ship. Lose a soldier, lose civilians, lose the target, blow up a Prothean beacon."

"Yeah, fucking up right from the start definitely helps set the bar nice and low. And here I was thinking you were this big, intimidating war hero."

She laughed and shook her head. "You're not intimidated by me. You wouldn't have taken the drink if you were."

"Hey, maybe I took the drink because it would take the edge off."

"No. You don't look like the type to drink to take the edge off."

Joker shrugged. She was pretty good at reading him and that made him uncomfortable. He had never been very good at getting too close to people. It took a long time and it usually involved having no other choice. Extraordinary circumstances that ended up in friendships.

"So tell me about yourself, Joker," she said suddenly.

Of course. He should have known that this would eventually lead here. "I can see where this is going. You did a background check on me, didn't you?" He finished the drink off in a swig and slammed the glass down. "Well, I'll tell you the same thing I told the captain. You _want_ me as your pilot. I'm not good. I'm not even great. I am the best damned helmsman in the Alliance fleet. Top of my class in flight school? I _earned_ that. All those commendations in my file? I earned every single one. Those weren't given to me as charity for my disease."

There was a piercing silence, Shepard's green eyes bright and laser focused on him. When she spoke her voice was low and honest. "I didn't even know you were sick, Joker."

"You mean… you didn't know? Ah, crap." He shook his head and rued his big, stupid mouth. "Okay. I've got Vrolik's Syndrome. Brittle bone disease? The bones in my legs never developed properly, they're basically hollow, too much force and they'll shatter. Even with crutches and my leg braces, it's hard to get around. One wrong step and 'CRACK!' It's very dramatic. But I've learned to manage my condition, Commander. Put the Normandy in my hands and I'll make her dance for you. Just don't ask me to get up and dance unless, you know, you like the sound of snapping shinbones."

"I do own a soundtrack that consists exclusively of snapping shinbones, but I'll let you stay seated for now." She took another leisurely sip of whiskey, finishing off her glass, then leaned forward and filled him up again and then herself.

"What's this one for?"

"For being right on the money about the Council meeting."

"Bad, huh?" he asked. He was starting to feel warm and thought that he should slow down.

"It was a good old fashioned shitstorm. Hell, I'm pretty sure they were about one smartass comment away from throwing stones," Shepard replied with a smirk. "They sure don't like being called pompous assholes."

"Go figure. I personally find it endearing." Joker stared at her for a long moment. She was sitting back, her eyes closed and the whiskey glass rested lightly on her knee. "If you don't mind my asking, Commander, why all the questions?"

"I thought small talk would be preferable to drinking in awkward silence."

"No, not just now, with me. With everyone. You seem to like getting involved in a lot of… well… minutia."

"I like getting to know people."

"Yeah, but… you ask about people's aspirations and their dogs and their lunch yesterday. You go really deep."

"I need to know my crew. Not just want to or should. _Need _to," Shepard said, looking him in the eye. He knew she was telling the truth. "I can't do my job if I don't. I can't serve the people on this ship, can't get it to run smoothly, if I don't understand every piece of the puzzle. It may not matter to a lot of people if some engineer's wife just left him, but it matters to me. If I can help that person out, not only does that make their day better, it makes mine better, too. The more effort I put into my crew, the more effort they're willing to put into me. None of this, not one part of this ship, works without the other and every single piece is important. I know it sounds like a load of shit, but I don't care about people's rank or position, I care about the person and I would hope that they would think the same of me."

Joker took in her words carefully. He nodded earnestly. "You're right. That is a load of shit." Shepard laughed at that and shook her head. "So, which engineer's wife just left them?"

"It wasn't an engineer."

"But someone's wife just left them?"

"It was a hypothetical, Joker."

"That wasn't a no. Come on, Shepard, you can tell me."

"Ha! You're the biggest gossip ever."

"I'm offended, Commander."

Shepard just raised her glass and he brought his forward to clink with hers. She smiled. "To being right on the money."


	3. Chapter 3

Garrus had been angry for a long time. It had been building slowly over the years, piling up and tunneling in on itself. Frustration, annoyance, more frustration… rage, rage, rage. Some days he woke up panicked because he couldn't find a way to stop himself from feeling like this. Other days it didn't matter, nothing mattered. He couldn't stopper the rage or stem the tide of hatred towards the uselessness he felt at his job, in his life. He wanted to do right, but no matter how hard he tried, no matter how close he got, he was never actually able to. Rebellious anger had seeded itself in him and he was forced to watch from the inside as he became jaded, bitter, hateful towards the very people that were supposed to uphold justice. He was tired of taking the slow, bureaucratic route. He was tired of a system that constantly let the cruel, the inhumane, and the criminal slip through the cracks. It seemed to him that the only people that ever got caught in the web were the people too innocent or too stupid to break their way out of it. The really dangerous people were all too smart, played the game too well to even be hindered by it.

He had dispensed of partners and companions long ago, they only reminded him of all the things he hated about C-Sec. Garrus had found that the fewer people there were around to watch, the quicker he could get things done. He was glad he hadn't brought anyone else along to Dr. Michel's clinic when he found the four thugs threatening her. She sounded afraid, panicked… terrified. Rage boiled behind his eyes. Michel was a good woman, better than most, and they were pushing her around. Garrus pressed himself behind the column, listening to the thick, insulting voice, getting an idea of where the man was.

The door slid open behind him and Alliance Commander Shepard entered. Her eyes hardened at the men threatening the doctor and her pistol was in her hand instantly.

The thug that had just been instructing the doctor to keep quiet around him grabbed her at the sight of Shepard, using her as a shield. "Who are you?"

"Let her go," Shepard barked, raising her gun.

Garrus readied his pistol and swung up and around the column. The man was in his sight, his finger pulled the trigger, and a hole appeared above the man's left eye. The thug's fingers slacked around the gun and Dr. Michel and he slumped to the floor. Garrus kept his gun trained on the figure for a moment as a shrill silence followed the loud crack of his gun firing. Then the other three men snapped back into action and took cover while Shepard and her team pushed forward and started shooting.

Garrus pulled Michel to the ground beside him, taking cover. He peeked around the low wall and clipped one of the men in the kneecap that was poking out from around the column he was hidden behind. He screamed, stumbled out and was caught in a biotic blast from the man on Shepard's team. Then there was a heavy, muffling silence where gunshots had been and Shepard was standing before them, pistol holstered and brow furrowed.

"Perfect timing, Shepard. Gave me a clear shot at that bastard," he said.

But Shepard's green eyes were bright with anger. "What were you thinking? You could've hit the hostage!"

Garrus floundered. Hitting Dr. Michel was never even a possibility to him, it hadn't even existed. There was a threat, there was a shot, and he had taken it. He shook his head, knowing that Shepard was right, how callous and rash the action had been. "There wasn't time to think! I just reacted. I didn't mean to- Dr. Michel? Are you hurt?"

Despite her disapproval of his action, Shepard worked quickly, somehow managing to be both compassionate and efficiently straightforward. The story came together fast and Garrus felt something stir in the pit of his stomach. Something he hadn't felt for a very long time. Something that overruled the rage and the feeling of uselessness. He was excited, he was motivated, he was finally getting somewhere at the pace he wanted to get there. He felt hope.

This quarian girl, she had something that was going to change the tide. It would prove him right, it was bring down that traitorous asshole. She had something that could make things right. He was finally going to make _something _right.

...

When people said "back alley deals", Tali had never really thought they meant it literally. And yet here she was, standing in an alley behind a gentleman's club, waiting to trade information for safety. Safety was something she hadn't had for a while now, not since she had salvaged the memory core from that geth. She had been running for what felt like forever.

Despite the medigel the clinic doctor had applied, her leg still throbbed where the bullet had grazed her. She'd been terrified when the suit had ruptured and that fear might well have saved her life. It made her work fast and react in a way that may have seemed overly-cautious to most. Heavy doses of antibiotics before any really bad infection set in, carefully monitoring the area, seeking out outside medical help for the wound she was not skilled enough to deal with herself. It was the last one that had really made the difference. Finding a contact to the Shadow Broker would help. What she needed was a place to hide and think and sleep.

Tali turned as she heard a scuffling footstep sound from the other end of the alley. From the dim gloom, a turian appeared, his face painted hauntingly. He gave a wicked grin.

"Did you bring it?" he asked, his hands clasped behind his back as he sauntered over to her. Behind him, two salarians in full masks stood side by side.

"Where's the Shadow Broker?" she asked, fear spiking in her veins again. "Where's Fist?"

The turian raised a hand and stroked the side of her face down to her shoulder, his eyes falling to her breasts. "They'll be here. Where's the evidence?"

Tali slapped his and away. "No way. The deal's off."

The turian's eyes turned to flint as he slowly stepped away. From the corner of her eye, she saw the two salarians begin to move forward. One pulled a gun from his hip up. Tali turned to bolt, her hand raising and firing off a sabotage attack at the salarian. His shield regulator exploded and he and the other salarian were thrown backwards onto the floor. The turian made a grab for her, but he was thrown backwards, glowing a telltale blue.

Tali looked up and saw a woman, still glowing in a residual mass effect field from her biotic push. Flaming hair pulled into a bun, a stern, determined set to her mouth. Her gun came up as three others came down the stairs after her. A turian in the a blue C-Sec uniform, a human also glowing blue, and a huge krogan in red armor that matched the red of his eyes. The krogan's shotgun sounded and the turian assassin was down. The C-Sec officer took a knee as the two humans charged forward, tech and biotic attacks flying off of them. The turian took in a breath and fired off two quick shots. One of the salarians fell over into the alley walkway. Tali realized that the other was slumped, unconscious against the back wall, his helmet cracked and one of the eye glass panes shattered.

The human male was approaching her, his weapons holstered, a kindly look in his dark, hooded eyes. The others were still assessing the damage, but slowly wandering over as well. The turian officer was calling the scene in. The krogan nudged at the other turian's body with a disinterested foot before shrugging and holstering his shotgun. The other human came to stand beside the first.

"Fist set me up!" Tali said, more to herself than to the humans. "I knew I couldn't trust him!" But she had trusted. She'd been stupid. She wasn't thinking as clearly as she thought she was. At least she knew to pull out of the deal before she gave away her bargaining chip.

"Were you hurt in the fight?" the redheaded human asked. Her eyes scanned Tali's frame for obvious injury, but found none.

"I know how to look after myself. Not that I don't appreciate the help. Who are you?"

"My name is Shepard," she responded. Then she motioned to the other human, then the turian and the krogan behind her. "This is Kaidan, Garrus, and Wrex. I'm looking for evidence to prove that Saren's a traitor."

The woman was blunt, she didn't seem interested in playing games. She had lain her cards on the table. Tali appreciated the flat-out admittance for need of what Tali had in her possession. And she and her squad had just stormed in and pulled her out of the fire. Tali usually had good instincts about people and she had gotten far trusting her gut.

"Then I have a chance to repay you for saving my life. But not here," she said. Her leg was throbbing painfully. "We need to go somewhere safe."

"We can take her to the human embassy. Your ambassador will want to see this anyway," Garrus stated.

Shepard nodded and the group turned to go.

"Your leg is bothering you," Kaidan said, nodding to the wrapped bullet wound. "That's where you got shot?"

Tali nodded and shrugged. "I'll be all right, thank you. It's healing."

Kaidan walked beside her all the way to the embassy, respecting her pride and her boundaries enough to never put a hand on her, but keeping a careful eye. Garrus had lagged behind in the beginning as several C-Sec officers arrived at the scene and he debriefed the head officer, but he'd caught up and walked beside Shepard on the way to the embassy offices. Wrex brought up the rear, ignoring the stares and the whispers that rang around the Presidium behind him. At least he drew the attention away from her. That is, until the human ambassador caught sight of her.

Ambassador Udina looked at her as if she had the plague. "Who's this? A quarian? What are you up to, Shepard?"

"Making your day, Ambassador," Shepard responded. She was equally respectful and very clearly turning the conversation away from any negative comments about Tali's race. "She has information linking Saren to the geth."

"Really?" The ambassador's voice was still superiorly disgusted, but thinly veiled behind a polite tone. "Maybe you better start at the beginning, Miss…?"

Tali told her story and played the clips she's recovered from the damaged geth. The earth ambassador got to work setting up a meeting with the Council immediately. Shepard gave her a small, reassuring smile and it gave her the push to ask to join her squad. Shepard gently probed about her Pilgrimage, but after a little explanation, she consented.

"You won't regret this, Commander," Tali said with a smile and stepped behind her.

"Everyone back to the ship to await further orders," Shepard barked as she turned. "Dr. Chakwas should take a look at your leg, Tali, and the rest of you need to settle in."

...

For a while, Shepard wasn't sure if what she'd done - bringing a turian, a quarian, and a krogan on board and onto her team - was incredibly smart or just about the dumbest thing that had ever been done. The first three or four hours after all her team were assembled on the ship and settled she thought it was definitely the latter. She had wandered down to the cargo bay to casual check up on everyone and found Tali in the engine room, already making friends with Adams because of her skill with engines and technical repairs. Garrus and Wrex had both taken up residence in the cargo bay, at either ends of it, along with Ashley Williams.

The entire situation looked like a recipe for disaster, but after a brief conversation with each of them, the situation seemed to contain itself pretty well. Garrus seemed pretty unconcerned with the tension that there was supposed to be between turians and the krogan or the humans. Wrex had growled a consenting, "What do I care if there's a turian working with me? As long as you give me bigger and better shit to kill and he doesn't piss me off, I've got nothing against him." Even Williams had seemed to relax after Shepard had reassured her that aliens on a human vessel shouldn't be a problem at all. Shepard had thought that if it were a problem, she didn't care. She had a job to do and the people she'd pulled around her were the best to help her do it quickly and efficiently. But she hadn't said any of that to Ashley, who had dropped the issue after seeing that Shepard would brook no opposition to it.

It still bothered her, however, that Anderson had been forced into stepping down to give her the Normandy and this chance. She knew he was doing it in the interest of human advancement. He had put his faith in her and she did not want to disappoint him. So far, she was satisfied with the people she'd surrounded herself with. They seemed like a crack team of freaks and flunkies, but each person was capable, intelligent, and deadly in their own right. There was something to be said about that.

Shepard looked at the clock on her computer and saw that it was two in the morning. She sighed and leaned back, rubbing her eyes. She'd been pulling information about Dr. Liara T'Soni for hours now and she was still pretty much in the dark. Other than knowing she was an expert on the Protheans and seemed to go on a lot of solitary digs in Prothean ruins, she was low on information about her; her mother Benezia; or their relationship, past or present. She was exhausted, tired, but not sleepy, and she felt like her brain was buzzing. She needed to walk for a while, find something to clear her head a bit. If she managed that she would either be able to focus on her research or be able to shut down for the night. She stood and headed out of her quarters, stretching, before turning and heading to the mess hall.

She enjoyed walking the Normandy at night. Only a handful of soldiers were on duty, everyone demure and relaxed. The lights glowed dim shades of blue and orange and there was a peaceful quiet that took hold of the ship. She relaxed into the soft thud of her boots on the floor and entered the mess. Kaidan looked up from a cup of coffee across the room.

"Shepard," he said with a genuinely pleased smile. He stood and headed over to the coffee cart.

She felt her own smile spread across her face. "Kaidan. I didn't think anyone else would be up."

He gave a little laugh as he met her back at the table, handing her the warm mug. She sipped it and was pleasantly surprised to find that he knew she took two creams and no sugar in her coffee. He watched her, his beautiful dark eyes assessing her reaction carefully.

"Insomnia," he explained, his finger tapping idly against the rim of his mug. "Doesn't help that there are two men snoring away in my bunk. What's your excuse?"

"Certainly not snoring men," Shepard laughed.

He gave her a mock glare. "Private quarters are wasted on you. You don't even appreciate them."

She shrugged. "I got caught up doing research on this Dr. T'Soni we're going to find. Do you happen to know how far out we are?"

"Joker says another thirty-six hours flight time. Anything interesting on T'Soni?"

"Nothing. Just a lot of mentions on how she researches the Protheans. Not a thing I've found about her and Benezia. Other than a quick mention in one asari article saying that T'Soni is Benezia's only daughter, there isn't a word."

There was a comfortable silence between them as they drank, something Shepard intensely liked. She and Kaidan had gotten to know each other pretty well from their time on the Citadel. There had been a lot of waiting, a lot of shore leave between Council hearings. He fascinated her. She could no longer deny that she was extremely attracted to him. He was smart and appropriately cautious, he didn't rush things. He had the perfect combination of sweetness and thinly-veiled darkness to make him supremely sexy and Shepard always wanted to know more. She had always prided herself on taking the time to get to know her crew and the people working with her, but she had sought out Kaidan, had lingered when conversing with him, had felt a pull towards him.

She knew that he wasn't blind to the mutual attraction either. He had already slipped up once - he'd called her beautiful - on the Citadel. Williams had teased him for it and she had been obligated to mention that they were still on duty, but she had given a small smile when he'd caught her eye. They were both painfully aware of the fact that they were tiptoeing around something dangerous, but it didn't seem strong enough to stop them. Shepard had always put duty and the greater good first and from what she'd learned about Kaidan, so did he.

"So how are you getting along with our new squadmates?" Shepard asked.

"I've got to say, I didn't think it would work," he responded, raising an eyebrow. "But it seems like not even years of racial hatred and prejudice can stand up to the effects of Commander Shepard."

"You make it sound like I'm some kind of force to be reckoned with."

"Aren't you?" Kaidan's voice was low and intimate and he looked at her through his thick lashes. She felt a heat start to grow in her stomach, but Kaidan broke into an easy smile and continued. "They all seem pretty intense in their own ways. Garrus is impressively focused, he doesn't let anything go once he sets his mind to it. Wrex surprised me. I've always heard that krogan were volatile and unreasonable, but he seems pretty relaxed… for a krogan. He's also cracked a couple of jokes, which was interesting. And Tali is very sweet. Very smart. Certainly has no problem sharing her thoughts. She's talented and quick, I think she's definitely a valuable asset."

"It doesn't hurt that she's a veritable expert on the geth. She's helped to decimate the couple of squadrons we've run into along the way."

"Never thought anyone so nice could be so terrifyingly efficient on the battlefield. It's good to know that all these people are on our side."

"And you?" Shepard asked, raising the mug to her lips. "How are you doing?"

"I think I'm fitting in pretty nicely with everyone else. At least, I haven't heard any complaints."

"I meant in general. Just a general 'how are you, Kaidan?'"

"Oh," he said, leaning forward on his elbows. "I'm all right. Haven't gotten any serious migraines for the past two weeks, so that's something pretty incredible. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with all the exercise you're putting me through. Running around killing geth certainly gets the blood pumping."

She gave a small laugh. "So you don't have a problem with our assignments? No notes on my leadership?"

Kaidan's eyes found hers then, markedly serious. "None."


	4. Chapter 4

A martyr.

That's what her position screamed of: arms spread, chest and stomach exposed, ankles pinned together. She looked like a martyr, suspended in the air, waiting. But there had to be a cause to die for to be a martyr. She didn't have a cause, she only had facts and data points. She wasn't a martyr; she was a target. And the only thing keeping the krogan and the geth from hitting said target was the Prothean barrier field she had activated… wrongly.

Liara wanted to cry or scream or something, but instead she merely sighed. What was the point? The only thing crying would do would be exhaust her. Screaming would only bring the geth and that krogan around again. And she couldn't do anything else anyway, even if she wanted to.

She heard an eerie scrape of metal on metal and then a quick murmur of voices to her right. She strained to listen, unable to move her body forward to peer around the corners of her imprisonment. Boots hit the metal catwalk heavily and then the sound tapered off to soft, well-placed footfalls. Another slight thud as someone jumped down the destroyed portion of the catwalk she knew was just out of her sight.

The krogan had never made an effort to conceal his presence before and the geth had no reason for stealth. It couldn't be them. But it could have been anyone else. Someone worse. Someone smarter and more capable. She closed her eyes and took a chance.

"Uh… Hello?" she called in a quavering voice. "Could somebody help me? Please?"

She heard the scraping of a boot nearby and then a redheaded human soldier came into view. The soldier's bright green eyes scanned the barrier she was trapped in and then she holstered her weapon, walking over to Liara slowly. Behind her a quarian and a turian keep guard.

"Can you hear me out there?" Liara called desperately, looking at the Alliance marine. "I am trapped. I need help."

"Are you okay?" the human asked, stopping before her. "What happened to you?"

It was hard, so hard, to keep calm after she'd explained everything and the woman and her two companions had promised to help. Watching the three of them walk away was one of the most difficult things she'd had to do. She bit her lip not to scream for them to come back. Liara had been stewing in her own panic, unable to even move an inch, for hours upon hours and she was afraid she was going mad. After endlessly long minutes of silence she heard far-off gunshots. Then quiet again.

When the blast from the mining laser went off, Liara yelped and closed her eyes. When she opened them again, there was nothing but dust in the air, clouding her view. Nothing. The marine and her squad were gone.

"So what exactly am I supposed to do?"

Liara tried to turn her head and see, but only caught a glimpse of Shepard standing at the Prothean barrier curtain's controls.

"There should be a release on that console," Liara said, desperation staining her tone now that freedom was so close.

"Uh… Shepard?" Tali began doubtfully. "I don't really think it's wise to just start pushing buttons, I mean-"

Liara gave a sharp _"oof!"_ as the barrier disappeared and she hit the ground. She picked herself up and dusted the knees of her pants.

"It figures that she would push the right button," Garrus said, giving the quarian a look. "Shepard's entire history of success has been tied to an inexplicable luck that surrounds her. See, if I had started pushing buttons, I would've found the self-destruct before I set anyone free."

"Garrus, can you please can the sass for now?" Shepard asked, heading back towards the elevator they'd come up on. "We've got to move quickly."

"I've certainly never been called 'sassy' before," the turian mused, taking up the rear.

"It's a bit confusing, actually," Tali added. "How can one person be so uptight and so sassy at the same time?"

Liara was out of her element now. The mine was shuddering and unstable, each rummble threatening to bring the whole thing down on them, and these people were calmly joking. She took in a deep breath and stuck close to them, making sure not to get separated. The elevator came to a halt and the krogan came into view with four geth troopers standing behind him. He threatened and demanded, but Garrus just cajoled and Shepard tried to make him see reason. But it ended how they all knew it would.

"Kill them," the krogan grunted. "Spare the asari if you can. If not, doesn't matter."

The words hadn't finished spilling from his lips and the Commander was already glowing blue.

...

Kaidan was on his lunch break when he ran into Garrus and Tali. The three of them made the line to get their meal, Garrus and Tali continuing a conversation about gun calibrations and engine repairs. They politely tried to include Kaidan into the conversation, but he didn't have too much to contribute so he smiled and nodded and let them talk. It didn't take long from them to become wrapped up in their conversation once more. The two girls serving lunch started slapping food onto his tray, not troubling to keep their own conversation all that private.

"That alien food is _so _weird," one, a brunette, whispered.

"I know, right?" said her blonde friend. "I kind of wonder how it tastes though."

"Don't eat it, you'll die." The blonde chuckled, but other continued, "No, seriously. It'll probably kill you. Turians and quarians have a different digestion tract. Humans can't process it and vice-versa."

"Strange. Seeing all these aliens on an Alliance ship is crazy. It's pretty cool though. I mean that turian looks pretty badass. And the krogan is terrifying. I like the little quarian girl."

"Tali? Yeah, she's cool. Have you seen the asari yet? She's so beautiful. Kind of a nerd, though."

Kaidan slid along, not really paying attention to their idle prattle about his teammates. Everyone gossiped on a military ship. _Everyone_. His mind was on the seemingly endless amounts of reports he still had to do. The next bit of the lunch-girls' conversation caught his attention firmly though.

The brunette lowered her voice to a rogue whisper. "She has a _total_ crush on the Commander."

Kaidan's head involuntarily snapped up at that. He caught himself and went back to looking like he wasn't listening.

"Really?" the blonde gasped, looking like she just hit the gossip jackpot. "How do you know"

"Have you _seen _the way she looks at her? Everyone knows. It's like this big school-girl crush. It's kind of adorable."

"Hmm. Dr. T'Soni didn't strike me as gay."

"She's not really. Technically. I guess. The asari only have one gender, can you be gay with one gender?"

The two girls then started in on the semantics of homosexuality in a mono-gendered species, handing Kaidan his food. He wasn't listening to them anymore. He wasn't thinking about reports or duty. He was thinking about Shepard and whether or not she knew about Liara's supposed crush. Tali and Garrus had waited for him and they headed to a table. He sat, staring mostly at his food, and ate slowly. It was only mess hall rumors that he had to go by. It wouldn't be right to judge the situation based on the gossip of two young recruits who worked in the kitchen.

So he decided that before he did anything or came to any conclusions, he would scope the situation out for himself. He confirmed two things with this: the first was that, from what he could see, Liara did seem to have some sort of feelings for Shepard. She was jumpy and nervous and she hung on every word that come out of Shepard's mouth. It looked a lot like puppy love. The second thing he discovered was that he was certain now that he was in too deep to pull away. He cared about Shepard, he'd let her in closer than he'd allowed anyone in a very long time. In terms of Shepard being either aware of the situation with Liara or of her reciprocating any feelings, he wasn't sure. Yes, he and Shepard had flirted, but flirting didn't amount to much in the end. Kaidan had felt something, a mutual attraction that he knew he wasn't inventing. However, they had never openly discussed… how could they? He thought back to a conversation they had had when Liara had first come on board. Shepard had asked his opinion on the asari.

"She seems nice enough," he'd responded with a shrug. The interaction between himself and the asari had been minimal at that point. "I mean, if you like the bookish sort."

"Do you?" Shepard had asked. Her voice had been low and intimate. "Any intentions there, Lieutenant?"

"None, Commander," he'd replied and something about the way that she had looked up at him through her lashes, her eyes shining knowingly, gave him the confidence to add, "I prefer… adventurous women."

She had given a small smile and left him then.

She had asked if he'd had intentions with Liara. He thought bitterly now that he should've asked the same.


	5. Chapter 5

Wrex wrinkled his nose. "It smells like shit in here."

Kaidan lifted the undershirt of his uniform up over his nose and mouth, his brow furrowed. "Like rotting flesh. And… something else. Something sharp and pungent."

"Stay focused," Shepard said in a rough whisper.

She was walking up the cement steps ahead of him. Her assault rifle in her hands. She was moving them downwards cautiously, downwards towards the horrible, thick stench. Shepard reached out and ran two fingers on one of the rusted, half-broken handrails. Pulling it back with a disgusted face, she rubbed her fingers together against the slimy coating that had come off of the metal before absently wiping it away on her thigh and taking up her rifle again. Wrex grunted, making a note not to touch the handrails.

"So we just have to find this thing and find a way too…" Kaidan started saying as descended the final steps. His voice petered out as the entered the wide underground cavern.

"What the fuck is that?" Wrex said, his gun drooping at the sight of the gigantic, oozing, purplish-pink spongy mass hanging in the center of the cavern. It was holding itself up by thick tentacles that were darker than its body.

"That's a _plant_?" Kaidan added.

"What. The _fuck_. Is that?" Wrex repeated emphatically.

"That does not look like any plant I've ever seen," Shepard said, her lip pulling up in disgust. "This may be… problematic."

She stepped closer to the plant carefully. Wrex stayed right where he was. Away from whatever that Thorian thing was. Kaidan also opted to stand back.

"It's pulsing," Wrex said.

"I know. I see it," Kaida responded. Both of their eyes were locking on the horrific mass in the room.

"It's fucking pulsing."

"I see it!"

As Shepard approached the pulsing intensified. The Thorian juddered and then the collection of tentacles clustered on the bottom began to spread. Ooze poured to the floor as something poked out of the opening behind the tentacles.

"Holy shit," Kaidan gasped, revolted.

"It's fucking pumping something out. Fuck. What _the fuck_ is that?"

"Stop asking. I don't know. I just… it's so beyond gross."

"I'm gonna shoot it."

Shepard waved a hand back at them, simultaneously stopping Wrex from pulling up his gun and quieting the both of them down.

When the Thorian had finished pushing the thing inside out, an asari stood before them. "Invaders!" she said. "Your every step is a transgression. A thousand feelers appraise you as meat, good only to dig or decompose. I speak for the Old Growth, as I did for Saren. You are within and before the Thorian. It commands that you be in awe!"

"You're green," Wrex said simply in the silence that followed the asari's stiff speech. Shepard waved another tense hand at him and Kaidan shot him a glare. Wrex shrugged. "She's green."

Shepard began talking to the asari mouthpiece, trying to make a deal with the sentient plant behind her. Wrex still very badly wanted to shoot it, but held off for a little while longer. There were scraping, scuffling noises coming from above and to the left of them and this was mixed in with the squelching gurgle coming from the huge, dripping plant itself. The smell in his nose stung sharply. It smelled of decomposing bodies, fetid soil, musk, and feces in the Thorian's lair. And something else.

"Your blood will feed the ground and the new growth!" the asari cried, beginning to glow.

Blood. It smelled like blood.

Wrex raised his trusty shotgun again in the blink of an eye and fired. The asari's glow faded and she cried out, but stood bloodied and angry. This was what he had wanted, not the restraint he'd had to suffer when they were trying to get down here. No killing, just knocking the colonists unconscious. Controlled, well-timed shots to dispose of the creepers running at them. But now… now it was Wrex's time to shine. He unloaded another barrage of bullets and roared, charging forward and knocking the green asari off of the ledge.

"We've got to kill that plant!" Shepard ordered, lifting a pair of creepers with her biotics and flinging them away.

"The tentacles!" Kaidan said, pointing to one.

It had embedded itself in the concrete walls and had taken root, hoisting the Thorian up over the yawning chasm. Holding it in place. Wrex bulldozed through another group of creepers, half of them bursting against the force of his tackle. He raised his shotgun to aim at the tentacle, but a creeper jumped onto his back and held him around the neck. It opened its mouth, vile green slime dripping onto his shoulder guard and sizzling the armor. It was about to spew him with a faceful of venomous spit, but it suddenly glowed blue and was thrown back violently, exploding against the wall.

Kaidan didn't wait for a thanks, he just lifted his gun and began blasting holes in the Thorian's feeler. Wrex and Shepard joined their gunfire with his and the tentacle spilt. The Thorian screamed from the cavern outside. Shepard led the way towards the next feeler. Wrex caught the pulsing movements from the Thorian through an opening in the gray wall and another asari clone stood and raised its eyes to them.

He turned, covered in ooze and green slime, and grinned at his teammates. "It ain't gonna make this easy."

...

"That is beyond disgusting."

Kaidan glared at Joker, who wasn't even trying to hold back a laugh. Shepard, Wrex, and himself were covered in slime, ooze, and blood all over. Their faces, their hair, the inside of their collars and hems. And they stunk. Joker was openly laughing at their revolting appearances.

"Thank God I'm just the pilot because I do not even want to know what any of that is. Christ, you guys stink," he said, waving a hand in front of his face.

Wrex wiped his dirty face off with one hand and then sprayed the gory remnants at Joker, who flinched away, but ineffectually.

"Hey! Not cool!"

Wrex growled a spiteful laugh and stomped away, clearing a path through the CIC. Kaidan and Shepard made eye contact.

"I'm going to shower and then I'll call the debrief," she said, pulling her gloves off. "You should probably do the same."

Kaidan gave a nod, still utterly disgusted at the state he was in and headed for the men's showers. Luckily it was empty when he stepped into the bathroom. If it hadn't been, he was pretty sure that the smell coming off of him would've driven everyone out. Cleaning out his armor was going to be a special brand of hell later.

Once the ooze and blood had been washed away and he was on his third consecutive shampoo scrub, he finally wound down enough to think. These missions had been getting more and more complicated and a hell of a lot darker. He thought it had been bad when Shepard had gone with Garrus and Tali into the Prothean ruins to find Liara. The fact that he wasn't there, beside her, knowing that he was doing everything in his power to watch her back, had almost consumed him. Sitting on deck, waiting with Ashley, had made his skin crawl and itch.

But this mission was something completely different. He had been there, but the skin-crawling terror had not gone away with the knowledge that if something had gone wrong, he was there to do what was in his power to make it right. He remembered the anger that had built in the pit of his stomach as she made the decision to run right through the colony - full of rabid, brain-washed people who were actively trying to kill them _and _Thorian creepers - and ordering them to hold fire, hold back. He had wanted to scream at her, tell her she was being idealistic and stupid, but instead he had followed closely behind her. He had watched her as she ran before him, flaming locks of hair coming loose from her bun and falling over her shoulders, stubborn determination on her beautiful, fierce face. It had made him want to shake her for being so reckless with her life. And yet all he had been able to do was run himself ragged and to the point of panting after having pushed his biotics farther than he ever had before.

Kaidan closed his eyes as the last remnants of the Thorian were washed away. It had gone far enough now. He needed to say something, he needed to tell her. Even if he couldn't act on anything, even if she refused to acknowledge whatever it was between them, she had the right to hear it from him.

And Kaidan had the right to say it.

...

"So," Garrus said in his now-familiar drawling tone. Shepard had learnt that this tone usually accompanied mockery or dry sarcasm. "Shepard."

She didn't pause in her task of getting a usage report from the Mako she and Garrus were working on, but she did get ready for whatever jab was coming next.

"Yes, Garrus?" she responded, a note of wary caution in her own voice.

The turian was already hiding a taunting smile. "Just how sweet are you on Kaidan, anyway?"

She felt herself freeze for a millisecond, but powered through, hoping Garrus hadn't caught the pause. He had, of course. Goddamn him and his sharp eyes. That's what she got for befriending a turian sniper with no qualms about getting uppity. She knew that if she denied it, it would go worse for her. Besides, why lie? To Garrus of all people, especially. For the most part, they had an honest, brash relationship. It was the reason they had become such good friends so quickly. Still, she decided to take it lightly and feel him out. See where he was going with this.

"What makes you think I'm attracted to Kaidan?" she asked, finishing with her report and turning to him with a raised eyebrow.

"Oh, nothing," Garrus responded with a casual shrug. "Just the general feeling that the two of you are about point five seconds away from getting naked every time you're in a room together."

Shepard laughed at that and shook her head. "It's not that bad, is it? I mean, you can't really tell, can you?"

"Everyone can tell," Wrex answered as he passed. "You can smell the sex in the air, for fuck's sake."

Garrus just raised a comically amused eyebrow at her as she sighed and rubbed at her shoulder.

"Jesus Christ," she muttered under her breath. "That's… unfortunate."

"Why?" Garrus asked, putting away the omni-tool and all pretense of work before hoisting himself up onto the wheel of the now fully repaired tank.

"It's complicated enough and people gossiping about it won't help." Shepard leaned against the tank beside where Garrus was sitting.

"Okay, maybe _everybody_ was an exaggerated qualifier. We're your team, we spend a hell of a lot of time with you. We know you and Kaidan. And what, exactly, makes a mutual desire to, uh…"

"Fuck," Wrex provided from across the room.

"…sure," Garrus conceded with a nod. "What makes it complicated?"

"Regulations, mostly," Shepard sighed. "I'm his commanding officer. It's not the best or easiest scenario."

"So don't tell anyone."

"It's not that simple, it's a huge risk."

"Do you care about him or do you just want to, uh…"

"Fuck," Wrex repeated.

Shepard grinned and shook her head before answering. "I do care about him, a lot. He's, well… he's pretty extraordinary. But there is so much going on. We can't lose focus."

"Being with someone you care about doesn't make you lose focus."

"Neither does fucking, for that matter," Wrex chimed in, joining them by the Mako.

"You are extraordinarily preoccupied with them fucking," Garrus responded, giving him an amused look.

"Hey, if there's one thing the genophage has taught us krogans, it's that fucking is good. The more you fuck, the better."

Garrus cocked his head and looked back at Shepard with a nod. "He's got a point, Shepard."

Shepard shook her head. "Why don't we just drop this. Forever. Immediately."

"Aye, aye, Commander," Garrus and Wrex responded with mocking grins.


	6. Chapter 6

It was bitterly cold in the rift station. Liara rubbed her hands together as she, Kaidan, and Shepard headed back up to the main refugee area. Despite the heat that had consumed her during the last fight with the Rachni, she was freezing all over again once it ended. This entire mission made her miserable. She was dreading coming face to face with her mother.

What if it was worse than she anticipated? What is Benezia didn't have a reason or excuse? What if her mother had just snapped and become utterly evil? Liara couldn't stop thinking about it, but she supposed it was better to face it than wait on the ship to hear about it later. Shepard had asked her three times before they disembarked if she was positive that she had wanted to come along. She'd said yes and she meant it. That didn't mean she wasn't anxious and wretched.

Shepard had just given the cure they'd mixed down in the hot labs to the doctor and managed to charm some medigel packs from him. They were all tired, bruised, and scratched from the fight with Alestia Iallis and her guards. Dr. Cohen offered them a place in the back corner of the room to patch themselves up and rest. Liara had managed to avoid anything more serious than bruising, but that was more because Shepard's particular style of battled involved a lot of her charging headfirst at the thickest gunfire and dealing with enemies up close and personal. Because of this tactic, a bullet had grazed her flank, ripping open the suit.

Kaidan had finished wiping up a shallow, bleeding up above his right eyebrow and turned to Shepard with a medigel pack. She turned, allowing him to clean and dress the bullet wound just under her waist. Shepard waited patiently as he applied the gel gently. Liara caught the moment when their eyes caught a held. Shepard sent Kaidan a small, meaningful smile and Liara saw his fingers tenderly brush the exposed skin of her waist with unconscious, comfortable affection. Liara's heart clenched all the tighter and she looked down at her feet, reflexively biting her lip.

No, this was not as deep or important as the issues she faced with her mother. Hell, she didn't even think she could put it at the same level as the deadly, biting cold. But seeing how deeply attached to each other Shepard and Kaidan were certainly wasn't making her feel any less miserable at the moment. She knew that if she wasn't so highly and personally attuned to the situation, she probably wouldn't even have noticed. But she was. And it was still painful.

Liara was glad that she hadn't ever broached the subject fully. At even the mere implication of her having any feelings for the Commander, Shepard had very pointedly mentioned that her affections lay elsewhere. But getting over Shepard was a hell of a lot harder than wishing it was done. The woman had a fire and a light that shone so brightly in her that it had tugged at Liara, left her awestruck, from the very beginning. Liara admired Shepard deeply and that admiration hadn't faded a bit, which made the sexual attraction to her linger. She admired Kaidan, too, which somehow made her feel worse about the whole thing. She and Kaidan got along very well; their personalities were similar and so complimented each other. Kaidan had always been extremely kind to her, made sure she was comfortable, had taken care to include and ask after her. Liara could understand why Shepard cared for him… why she-

Liara shook her head sharply to pull away from the word. Now was not the time to think about any of this. There were so many more important things looming ahead. Truthfully, she was glad that Shepard had so plainly made herself clear. With that, even though it was hard and painful and the attraction lingered, Liara could move on. She needed to move on; finish and move on from all of this.

"We're ready, Liara," Shepard said, her husky voice pulling the asari from her thoughts. Shepard's green eyes were kind. "Are you?"

Liara stood from the bed she was sitting on and nodded, swallowing hard. "Yes. Let's go find my mother."

...

Tali unconsciously twisted her pinky finger in the opposite hand. She'd been staring at the door to Liara's cabin for a full two minutes without moving. She wanted to go in, but doubt held her back. She didn't know if Liara would welcome any company at the moment. Tali tried to think back to how she wanted to be treated after her own mother had passed away. She had only wanted to see those she was very close to, only wanted comfort from those she felt most comfortable with. Besides probably not being number one on the close-friends-comfort list, there was always the possibility that Liara would want something completely foreign. Maybe she was the kind of person was very badly wanted people around her in times of loss.

Tali reached for the door control.

Or maybe she didn't want to see anyone at all. That would make a lot of sense. The situation between Liara and Benezia had been a billion times more complicated than anything that had ever passed between herself and her mother. Maybe Liara wanted to deny, pretend it all away, and never be reminded of it.

She pulled her hand back hesitantly and after a moment began twisted her fingers again. A hand on her shoulder made her start and glance up. Garrus gave her a kindly smile.

"Garrus," she began. "I was just… I didn't know if…"

He nodded understandingly and looked at the closed door. "It can't be easy."

"Exactly," Tali responded. "I wanted to help if I could, but I wasn't sure if she would want to see anybody."

"Hard to say. But she hasn't come out of that room since we left Noveria so I don't know if she would want to see anyone. I think the best we can probably do is just be supportive in whatever way she needs for now."

Tali nodded with a sigh. "You're probably right."

"Come on. Let's give her some space. We can grab something to eat, my treat."

Tali gave a little laugh and shook her head. "Yeah, I'll get the next one."

...

Shepard looked up from her late lunch as Wrex stopped before her. He was standing, his arms crossed over his broad chest, and the rest of her team was standing behind and around him. Shepard put her forkful of food back on her tray, concerned, and looked over the group. Every face was serious. They meant business. She understood in that moment why people around the ship said her team was intimidating.

"We need to talk," Wrex growled.

"Okay," Shepard said slowly, wiping her hands on a napkin. "Let's go into the comm room and-"

"That's not necessary. No reason to make this super official," Garrus said, waving a dismissive hand at the idea.

"All right. Do you guys want to sit at least?" Kaidan sunk into one of the seats opposite her and held one out for Liara. She hesitated a moment before taking it. Tali settled comfortably in front of her as well. The other three remained standing, though Ashley leaned against the back of Kaidan's chair. "So what is this about?"

"We need to talk to you about the Mako," Ashley said frankly.

"Specifically, about how you drive the Mako," Tali added.

"How I…? What about how I drive the Mako?" Shepard asked, offended.

"You can't drive, that's the point," Wrex said. "You're a shit driver, Shepard."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"It's not so much that you're a shit driver-" Garrus began.

"You are though. Fucking shit driver," Wrex interrupted.

"It's more about the fact that you rely way too much on the mass effect generator."

"What does that mean?" Shepard scoffed.

"It means that driving straight off the top peak of a mountain to free fall over two hundred feet is not a considerable issue for you. And it really should be."

"I'm a great driver."

"Nope," Ashley said, shifting her weight as she straightened up.

"It's really…" Liara closed her eyes and took a deep breath before continuing. "Really awful. Terrible driving."

"I am a _great_ driver. You people have no idea what you're talking about."

"Tali threw up on the last mission," Kaidan pointed out.

"Draining my suit was not pleasurable," Tali chimed in.

"I'm pretty sure she just had food poisoning," Shepard retorted dismissively.

"I didn't."

"How about the fact that you use the damn thing like a bowling ball half the time?" Wrex said.

"I-" Shepard stumbled over her words. "What does that even mean?"

"It means that you just run over anything in your path," Kaidan replied.

"You've run over geth troopers," Tali began and the others all joined in listing all the things Shepard had steam rolled over.

"Mercs."

"Pirates."

"Batarian terrorists."

"Defense drones."

"An automated turret."

"You got stuck for a full five minutes on a geth armature once."

"Yeah," Garrus continued. "And remember that time that you mowed down a pack of Thorian creepers?"

"There were guts and bile everywhere," Kaidan grimaced.

"But you didn't just run them over. You ran them over and then backed up and then went forward and then backed up and then went forward again. And _then_ you turned the tank around and shot the canon at the stain on the floor."

"I was being thorough," Shepard replied defensively.

"It's a waste of ammo is what that was," Ashley grumbled. "Not to mention how hard it was to clean the creeper gunk off of the Mako."

"Thank the goddess we managed to talk you out of trying to ram that thresher maw that one time," Liara said, rubbing her forehead.

"None of you have any idea of how finicky that tank is!" Shepard argued, a heavy tone of denial in her voice.

"Of course not! You won't let anyone else drive it," Garrus exclaimed, throwing up his arms. "We've tried to be nice about this, but we can't take it any more."

"So what is this? A mutiny?"

"In terms of you driving the Mako, yes."

"Fine, but I will choose who drives in my place." She scrutinized them for a moment before giving a small, evil smirk. "Wrex drives."

The group gave general murmurs of consent.

"That'd work."

"Fine by me."

"Don't see how it could be worse."

Shepard threw up her hands. "Are you kidding me?! You're all willing to let Wrex drive over me. _Wrex_."

"It's that bad," Kaidan said. "Sorry, Shepard, but it's the truth. If I have to flip end over end in that tank again while hearing the excuse 'it's fine, this baby is unbreakable' one more time, I'm going to lose it."

"You're a shit driver, Shepard," Wrex repeated as he turned and began walking away.

The others began to disperse as well. Kaidan caught her eye as he stood from his seat and gave an apologetic shrug. Shepard narrowed her eyes at him and muttered, "Traitor."


	7. Chapter 7

"We are not a mistake!"

Wrex saw the wary fear in the salarian's big, doe eyes as he leaned in close, pointing a finger, trembling with rage, in his thin face. He held for a moment and then turned and stormed away, Shepard's voice becoming nothing more than an authoritative mumble in the background. Halfway down the beach he stopped beside the water and pulled out his shotgun. He fired a round at the passing shadow of a fish.

A cure. There was a cure.

And they already wanted to destroy it and every scrap of hope for his people. How long were the krogan expected suffered? They'd suffered because of the hard-headed tunnel vision of the turians; because of the ruthless, calloused efficiency of the salarians; because of their own damned impatience and pride and lack of self-control. They were going to suffer themselves to extinction. Another two rounds went off in his hand.

Wrex had tried to help once and it had failed miserably. Betrayed by his father, his men brutally killed before his eyes, he'd barely made it out alive. But live he did and he'd managed to convince himself that the plight of his people was no longer his concern. What the fuck did he care if the krogan killed themselves? Now things were different. Now there was a cure. A cure could unite the krogan. A cure could make them listen. He couldn't just stand back and watch all hope fade away. His finger shook against the trigger.

_Wrex looked down as the small, still shape was place in his hands, still wet, still warm._

"_It's a boy," the shaman said, his voice rough and unaffected. How many stillborns he must've seen in his life. How many times he'd been through this exact scenario. Wrex wondered if it got any easier. Or at least any less horrifying._

"_It's dead," Wrex responded. And he bent to place the lifeless body of his first child in the grave beside the countless others._

He pulled the trigger and as the sound of the gunfire faded, Wrex picked up Shepard's familiar footsteps.

"This isn't right Shepard," he said, not looking at the redhead. If there's a cure for the genophage, we can't destroy it."

Shepard began to talk and Wrex's blood boiled. He had seen her in action before. She wasn't deadly because she could shoot a man between the eyes at a hundred paces or because of her insane biotic skills or even because she had no fear of charging head first into a wall of bullets. She was so mortally efficient because of her silver tongue. Wrex had listened countless times, amazed, as she talked down psychotic terrorists, terrified civilians who believed they had nothing left to live for, extremists, sadists, enraged politicians… it didn't matter who they were or what they thought they believed, if Shepard got close enough to open her mouth, they were gonners.

Wrex didn't want to be talked down. Wrex didn't want to listen to reason. He wanted to be angry. His rage made him feel less powerless. It made him believe, if only for a second, that things could change. That _he_ could change things. Before he knew it, he had pulled up his gun and was staring at Shepard down the barrel of it.

"This base can't be destroyed. I won't allow it!" Wrex growled.

Shepard had reflexively brought up her assault rifle, but as she spoke her next words, her arms lowered to her sides. She straightened, her greens eyes hard as flint. "These krogan are slaves of Saren. Puppets, tools to be used and discarded. Is that what you want for your people?"

That was the worst part about Shepard's reasoning. She was usually right. She was too good at reading situations, too good at seeing past personal pride and anger. She was too damned _good _all the time. Right at that moment, it made Wrex want to hit her, hit anything. It was this, more than anything else, that finally got through to him. The krogan following his father hadn't wanted to listen to reason either. They had stewed in their anger and their hate and their stubborn, outdated ways and had sealed their own fate. He refused to do the same.

"No," he admitted finally, the word scraping against his throat like sandpaper. "We were tools for the Council once. To thank us for wiping out the rachni, they neutered us all. I doubt Saren will be as generous." Very slowly, he forced his shotgun down and straightened up. "All right, Shepard. You've made your point. I don't like this, but I trust you enough to follow your lead."

Shepard gave a slight, understanding smile and nodded at him. He couldn't just stand back and watch all hope fade away.

"Just one thing," he said, as the commander turned to head back down the beach. Shepard faced him again, expectantly. "When we find Saren, I want his head."

Wrex wouldn't stand back and watch all hope fade away. Not again.

...

"I'm sorry, Ash," Shepard said, a cold, steel dread knotting tightly in her stomach. "I had to make a choice."

"I know, Commander," Ashley replied, her voice warm and forgiving in Shepard's ear. "I don't regret a thing."

Shepard ran back to the AA Tower, her mind whirling. If she was quick and lucky, she could get to them both. She refused to give in to the nagging voice itching at the back of her skull. The one that gravely told her that she was lying to herself. The one that was telling her in harsh, factual whispers what she didn't want to hear.

Shepard practically exploded into the firefight happening at the AA Tower. She snapped instructions to Tali and Wrex behind her to mop up quickly. With a roar of agreement, Wrex leapt forward, blazing blue and practically bleeding bullets. Sharp, high-pitched whirrs came from Tali's omnitool as she disabled machine after machine ruthlessly.

"Alenko!" Shepard called, firing another series of rounds as a geth trooper flashed out in front of her. "Alenko, where are you? Kaidan!"

She found him behind a pile of steel crates. There was a large gash through the armor on his leg. It was swollen and trickling blood. She knelt beside him. Tali took point and covered them while Wrex charged forward drawing enemy fire. The sound of his guttural yells and the stream of curses that spewed from him comforted Shepard.

"What happened?" she asked Kaidan.

He winced and drew himself up to sit taller, trying to ignore the searing pain. Shepard saw that his deep brown eyes were dim and fading. He was losing blood and, in turn, conscious thought.

"I got the tail end of a frag grenade," he hissed through his teeth. "Piece of shrapnel tore through my suit. It's not as bad as it looks, Commander."

"Don't fucking lie to me, Alenko. Stay down."

Shepard threw herself into the fight again, the last remnants of the geth troopers went down quickly after. The area was clear. If she moved quickly, she could still make it back to the bomb site.

"Wrex! Stay with Kaidan until the Normandy arrives," Shepard called. "Tali, you're with me. Let's move!"

But the order didn't even get a chance to linger in the air when a flying pad swept onto the battlefield and a biotic blast hit the ground by Shepard's feet. Shepard turned and fired and as she did, her eyes landed with horror on Saren.

"Go!" she yelled at her team and ran.

Another biotic blast missed her by mere inches. Shepard was pushed forward in the air by the shockwave of it. Tali dove into cover moments before Wrex. Shepard struggled onto her hands, a searing pain in her side where a rib had cracked. She turned and caught sight of Kaidan, struggling up from the pile of crates that had once been his cover.

Cold taloned hands wrapped themselves around her neck and she was being dragged. Shepard clawed at the hands around her throat fiercely, but Saren was lifting her bodily off the ground and her breathing was coming shallow and quick. His grip tightened and she gasped. Her eyes began to blur, her hearing became fuzzier. The sudden faraway sound of a blaring alarm made Saren turn his head with a hiss. Shepard took the sudden opportunity and landed a punch square on his flat nose when he turned back. With a gurgle of rage, Saren dropped her and she scrambled up from the ground, coughing. Her eyes and nose stung and watered, but she managed to stumble away from him, her gun coming into her hand automatically.

Her head was still racing and wheeling in the after-effects of oxygen loss. She hunkered down behind the metal wall, trying to catch her breath and clear her head. She called out to him, goading him. Saren was willing to talk or at least hear himself talk. Shepard kept him going as long as she could, trying in vain to make him understand his error in siding with the Reapers, no matter what good he thought he was doing. But throughout the conversation she was assessing her wounds – severe bruising to the neck, three broken ribs, a badly sprained hand – and counting down the time since the alarm began blaring – 12 seconds, _Kaidan was bleeding out_; 13 seconds, _Ashley was still at the bombsite and overrun with geth_; 14 seconds, _where the fuck was the Normandy?_; 15 seconds – and wondering if she was crazy or if there really was doubt leaking into Saren's voice as he spoke.

In the end, none of it mattered. In the end, Saren shot first and a firefight ensued. In the end, it was the arrival of the Normandy that both drove Saren away and sealed their fate. Once the coast was clear, she ran to Kaidan. He was breathing and conscious, but barely. He struggled to lift himself from his slumped position, but failed. Shepard slung his arm around her shoulders, grimacing with the piercing shock of pain that flared in her chest and neck, and managed to lift him onto unstable feet.

"Come on, Commander," Joker said in her ear and although he made an effort to sound normal she caught the strained sadness in his voice. "We've only got two minutes to get out of the blast radius."

"Tell Chakwas to meet us in the bay, Joker," she ordered.

It was clear after three shuffling, terribly slow steps that Kaidan wasn't going to be able to walk to the ship. With a grunt, pain exploding behind her eyes, Shepard hefted his weight onto her shoulders and bodily lifted him off the ground. She was losing one squadmate by force, to hell if she was going to let anything but the devil himself take Kaidan from her. With heavy, struggling steps she made her way to the open cargo bay door. Wrex, looking back, checked his stride and came back to her. Without a word he took Kaidan's weight and Tali came up beside her.

"You all right, Shepard?" she asked, concern in her voice.

Shepard winced and hobbled behind Wrex and Kaidan. "Broke some ribs. Maybe my hand."

Tali gently slid her arm under Shepard's and helped her into the ship. Chakwas was already kneeling beside Kaidan applying heavy doses of medigel. Shepard was glad to see he was much more awake now and sitting up with his own strength. His dark eyes flickered up to catch hers as she passed. In them she could see sorrow and guilt. He mumbled, "Ashley," heavily under his breath, almost pleading. Shepard tore her eyes from him and made her way, wincing, to the elevator.

"Commander!" Chakwas called after her. "I need to treat your wounds!"

_Hurry up, hurry up!_ Shepard yelled to herself. She couldn't be down here, she couldn't just leave Ashley down there without… without a proper goodbye. Or maybe what she needed was to take full accountability for what was about to happen. She needed to watch, to see it. To see through the call she'd made.

She made her way through the bustling CIC, past the galaxy map and up the hallway where busy soldiers were posted at their stations, and into the cockpit to the large open window. The beach and jungles were nothing more than specks already. Joker's hands were flying rapidly and skillfully over the console. He caught sight of Shepard standing behind him near the window, his eyes raking over her.

"Uh, Commander," he started, his hands still moving as if on automatic. "You're kind of bleeding all over the bridge."

Shepard gave no notice, just stared out the window, turmoil building in her stomach. She watched as the atmosphere streamed around the ship, as the huge edges of the planet's crust outlined by distant stars came into view. Joker turned back in his chair.

"All right, everybody, hang on!" he said, kicking the eezo drive into gear.

The ship seemed to halt for half a second in mid-flight. At that same moment, from thousands and thousands of miles below a flash burst distantly on the surface of the planet. A giant mushroom cloud of burning white and yellow consumed an unbelievably large area of land, even from so far up, and flickered ominously. Shepard closed her eyes against it, resisting the urge to recoil from what she knew had just happened, and then opened them again. Her brow was furrowed angrily. She watched until they were too far for her to remember what speck of land they had been on, where Ashley had died, fighting to her bitter end.

They would pay for this.

Cold anger was racing through her veins and she turned from the window slowly. Pain pricked at her, but she ignored it. It was distant and unimportant right now. She made her way stoically to the med bay. She seemed to cut a swath through her men. They streamed aside, clearing a path for her. Every eye followed her, but no one said anything. She opened the door to the medical bay, which was bustling with activity. Everything paused as she entered, everyone turning to her, feeling the cold, dangerous air that blew in behind her. Without a word she took a seat on one of the examination beds and waited like an obedient child.

Chakwas finished wrapping Kaidan's leg, then she turned to Tali, then to Wrex. As she finished with each person, they got up and left without a word until Shepard was the only patient left. Chakwas worked in silence, respecting the commander's need for it. Shepard complied with all of the doctor's probing instructions, removing her armor and her undershirt to give Chakwas a look at the cracked and bruised ribs. Shepard waited in a dense, frightening silence while medigel was applied, bandages were wrapped, injections and pills were administered. It wasn't until the doctor had finished wrapping her ribs tightly and she was pulling her clothes back on that Shepard spoke in a steel voice.

"Tell Joker to call the squad in for a debriefing in the comm room."

Chakwas eyed her for a moment, worry plain on her face, but said nothing other than, "Yes, Commander."

The debriefing was difficult, tiring, and painful. Everyone was bogged down with sadness and rage. Everyone was jumpy, more than half the group was irritable in their loss. Wrex was raging, his time on Virmire hadn't been easy from the beginning. Destroying what looked like a cure to the genophage had been a huge sacrifice for him and losing a squadmate to the man who was toying with his people only made matters worse. Garrus, too, was angry and irritable. Tali was sad and because of that, listless and uncooperative. She'd never gotten along too well with Ashley and they certainly weren't close, but she was kind and the loss affected her greatly. Kaidan was silent, wounded and brooding, and after a quick sentence at the beginning of the meeting, he hadn't said anything else. He sat looking at his hands in his lap the entire time. Liara was the only one who managed to stay focused and level-headed. There was pain and sorrow in her tone, but she fixed herself firmly on the pressing issues.

It wasn't until she had dismissed her team and finished reporting in to the Council – a frustrating and practically useless task – that Shepard was really alone. Yes, it had been her call down on Virmire, but Ashley's blood was on Saren's hands.

God help the bastard when Shepard found him.

...

Kaidan felt as though he was walking under water. Everything was hazy, slow, and unbearably painful. Guilt was crashing inside him like pounding waves. He'd given up trying to accomplish his duties an hour ago and he had taken to pacing through the ship slowly. Ashley had died. They'd left her behind to go out in a blaze of glory. At least that; she wouldn't have had it any other way. Each footstep felt like it weighed a thousand pounds. He was walking down the long hallway that led to the stockroom. The sound of a door sliding open caused him to glance up reflexively. He found himself looking into the women's restroom.

Inside he could see Shepard. She was standing before a mirror and her long red hair was loose around her shoulders and face. The glorious flaming locks were usually wrapped up in a perfunctory bun, but the soft waves around her face suited her. Unable to tear his eyes from her, Kaidan watched as Shepard carefully pulled the thick hair up into a ponytail. The movement was slow as her dominant hand was wrapped in a bandage and cumbersome because of it. It wasn't until she was just finishing wrapping it all into her usual bun that her eyes caught Kaidan watching her.

Her eyes were a brilliant, fiery green, competing in wild beauty with her hair, and they met his unwavering. She turned towards him slowly and brazenly, making no effort to hide from his eyes, and watched him as he slowly walked by. Their eyes held. Her hand slid down from her hair and fell to her side. Then the door slid shut and Kaidan was alone again in the hallway.

He hadn't lost Shepard. She was safe. She was alive.

The thought brought a fresh wave of guilt crashing over him and he slipped into the storeroom. It was dim and empty, the perfect space for him. His head was beginning to throb with the familiar ache of a coming migraine. He closed his eyes against it wearily for a long time. The sound of the door opening and sliding shut again roused him and he glanced back over his shoulder.

"Shepard," he said and his voice caught in his throat.

She said nothing, but there was sadness clearly written in her face. She stood very close to him, her eyes flickering over his face. She was concerned for him, weary with loss herself. Shepard gently lifted a hand and cupped his cheek. Kaidan felt his barriers breaking down at the touch of her fingers. He closed his eyes for a long moment and shifted closer to her, desperately needing to reassure himself that she was real, that she was truly there. She slid her arms around his neck and pulled him in close. His arms wrapped around her and he buried his face in the slope of her neck.

"I…" Kaidan started in a soft whisper. "I can't believe that Ash didn't make it. How could we just leave her down there?"

Shepard pulled back just far enough to look him in the eyes. His hands rested on her hips, his fingers digging into the fabric of her uniform.

"She gave her life to save the rest of us," she responded gently. "She was an incredible soldier. One of the bravest people I've ever met in my life."

"We didn't even… her family won't even have a body to bury."

"Williams knew the risks going in. We all did."

"But she's the one who didn't survive. Why?" the question hitched in his chest. "You picked me. Why me? Why not her?"

Shepard raised her hands to cup his face and look directly into his eyes. She ran her thumb gently along his cheekbone.

"I'm sorry, Kaidan," she whispered. "I could never… I could never leave you behind. I couldn't. You know that."

Kaidan nodded heavily. He understood too well. If it had been him making the call, he wouldn't have left Shepard either. And that was the thing, as grateful as he was, he knew that there was no variation of the situation that would have resulted in Ashley being chosen.

"I just… Ash is dead. She died because of me, because of…" Kaidan closed his eyes and pressed his forehead lightly to hers. His fingers curled guiltily at her hips. "Because of us."

Shepard's hands slipped back and her palms spread against his neck. Her fingers were splayed in his thick, dark hair. The movement made him open his eyes and he found hers, green and bright, staring at him. There was sadness, but instead of guilt he found a hot, molten anger.

"This wasn't your fault, Kaidan," she said in a hard voice. "And it wasn't mine. It was Saren's. He is the _only_ one to blame for Ashley's death and for all the atrocities that we found on Virmire and on all the other godforsaken planets that he has touched."

Kaidan nodded again. "Yeah… yeah."

He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead, his lips lingering on her skin for a few long moments. They stood like that, holding each other, for a while, breathing each other in.

"I am grateful," Kaidan whispered. "That you came for me. I was really starting to think that I was never going to see you again."

Shepard gave a rueful smile. "You can't get rid of me that easily."


	8. Chapter 8

Ilos was muggy. The air was stifling and humid. Garrus shifted uncomfortably as the elevator lowered swiftly. This entire mission summarized the reason he had joined up with Shepard in the first place. Blasting through red tape and getting the job done, no matter what. He felt like every nerve ending was tingling in anticipation. They were so close now; he had just caught a glimpse of Saren before he had sealed himself in the Prothean ruins. The geth troops Saren had left behind had been dealt with and they had managed to get the big ruin doors to open again.

The team crawled into the Mako and Kaidan slipped into the driver's seat. He cranked up the tank and drove in through the gaping entranceway. Inside the tank may not have been humid, but it was stuffy. Garrus crooked a finger into the collar of his armor and took in a deep breath.

"Nice and easy, Kaidan," Shepard was saying. "Keep a lookout for any possible ambushes."

But the path continued on straight, no deviations, for a few miles and save for a small skirmish with some geth troopers, which Kaidan cleaned up quickly with the gun, it was pretty uneventful.. Through the front windows, Garrus could see pods high up in rows along the walls. Whatever the Protheans had tried to use them for, they were probably useless now.

Garrus was shaken out of his thoughts as Kaidan braked suddenly.

"What's happening?" Kaidan murmured.

Garrus shifted to look past him out the window and saw a shimmering orange barrier curtain. His hand clenched over his sniper rifle. "It's a trap. Saren must've set an ambush."

"I don't think Saren is behind this." Kaidan was looking into the monitor for the rear camera and Garrus followed his gaze to see that another barrier had been erected from where they had just come from as well.

"Let's move out," Shepard ordered, sending them into a flurry of action. "Everyone keep their guard up. No mistakes."

Garrus was the last to file out of the tank. He splashed into the shallow stream that was cutting through the path. The air was sweet and fresh and chill in here as opposed to the mugginess of outside. Garrus followed closely behind Shepard as they checked the perimeter.

"Clear," Shepard called.

"Clear," Garrus and Kaidan confirmed.

Cautiously, the commander led the way to an open doorway and poked her head quickly inside, gun drawn. She relaxed, allowing the gun to drop and stepped inside a waiting elevator. Kaidan followed, then Garrus. Shepard pressed the door close and the elevator began moving automatically. After a minute's ride the door beeped as it slid open and revealed a solitary walkway that led to a consol.

Garrus kept his gun up, checking either side for any traps or triggers they inadvertently tripped. Shepard approached the consol slowly. There was a flickering red mass being projected that wasn't straightening itself out. It looked broken, so when the audio responded perfectly to Shepard's probing, Garrus was surprised and a bit amazed. It was a damaged VI, Vigil, and it was talking about indoctrination and the last Protheans to have survived the past Reaper clean-up cycle. Garrus listened as Vigil mentioned the cycle Liara had been talking about for so long and then it warned them of the Citadel being a hidden mass relay, the real function of the keepers, the fail-safe the Protheans had long ago put into effect. And then it calmly explained how the last Protheans had died, how it had effectively killed them in order to preserve enough energy to tell what they had discovered in the past. He thought back to all the hundreds of pods they had passed up until this point.

Garrus was usually all for " the means justify the ends" actions, but seeing the effects of what taking that too far made him uncomfortably aware that the means may not always justify the ends. That there was a lot more grey space to deal with in the galaxy than he wanted to admit. As they raced back towards the Mako to catch Saren before all hope was lost, Garrus cleared his head and tried to focus.

He couldn't undo what had happened. But he would die trying to keep it from happening again.

…

Everything about what the Reapers had turned Saren into disturbed Kaidan. Even now, lying in a ruined, demolished heap a few yards away at Shepard's feet the creature gave him chills. The machines had sucked every ounce of what had made Saren a free-willed being and had left a shell with his features and his voice. The compression chamber release of a gun sounded and Kaidan followed Shepard's lead in holstering his weapon. Garrus, standing beside him, did so more slowly. The turian caught his eye and opened his mouth to speak, but a muffled explosion rocked the ground beneath their feet.

Shepard whirled around. She had the best vantage point through the windows and Kaidan saw her expression darken before looking up himself. A massive chunk of debris from the destroyed Reaper was zooming towards them. Shepard turned and pointed towards the exit.

"Go!" she barked.

Kaidan and Garrus moved to follow her order, Shepard several paces behind them. Kaidan could hear the muffled explosions still coming off Sovereign outside, the pounding of their frantic footsteps, the heavy, labored breath as they ran for their lives. Then there was no sound but that of shattering glass and the deafening screech of metal on stone as the world seemed to collapse around them. Kaidan turned to look as huge pieces of debris rained over the once immaculate council chamber. Shepard was fifty paces back, running flat out. He saw the tattered remains of one of Sovereign's legs fall towards her.

"Shepard!" he yelled.

"Kaidan, don't-" The rubble hit the floor hard and Shepard was gone, consumed in the chaos.

"SHEPARD!"

And then he was hit by the wave of dust and splintered concrete the debris had unleashed. He couldn't see, couldn't breathe. Everything was a blur of fire and pain. Vaguely he was aware of Garrus grabbing his arm before they were both thrown to the floor as another mighty explosion rippled through the Tower and then everything went black.

Kaidan's eyes fluttered open with a groan that quickly turned into a cough. It was pitch black and there was something pressing in around him. He moved to sit up and his hand brushed against something.

"Ah! Shit, that hurts."

"Garrus?"

"Yeah, I'm alive, but my ribs are pretty badly hurt. Are you all right?'

Kaidan shifted into a sitting position. His leg, the one he'd been shot in back on Virmire, was aching and stiff and he was pretty sure he had a concussion, but he was able to move. The last events before he blacked out came rushing back to him.

"Shepard, she-" he began.

"I couldn't see anything," Garrus said. His tone managed to be distraught and angry at the same time. "She was right behind us when the debris hit and then…" He coughed and sucked in a pained breath. "Fuck. All I could see before we got trapped were fires and explosions and rubble. I'm sorry, Kaidan."

Kaidan closed his eyes and could feel tears on his lashes. Rage burned him, sorrow and fear fought with each other for dominance inside him, but his body was too weak to react how he wanted. He wanted to scream, but couldn't pull enough air into his lungs. He should've gone back for her. He should've waited. His fist clenched so hard his nails drew blood on his palms.

He should've told her last night. He should've told her that he loved her while she was lying in his arms. That he had been in love with her for so long, that it had been impossible not to love her, impossible to keep himself from her when everything about her filled him until he thought he would burst. And now he might never be able to tell her.

He tried to reason with himself, he tried to remind himself that he and Garrus had survived and that if anyone could make it out of that mess, it was Shepard.

"Kaidan." Garrus's voice was strained and stilted. His breathing was heavy and he sounded very much in pain. "I- I'm bleeding out."

Kaidan struggled onto his knees and leaned forward until he found the turian's shoulder. He fumbled to find the switch on his suit that turned on the little flashlight, but it was cracked and broken. Kaidan could feel Garrus's chest rising and falling heavily. He was weak, badly injured. Kaidan felt around Garrus's ribs until his fingers met with a patch of stickiness that heralded blood.

"I can't see a goddamned thing," he said, frustrated. His throat burned. Everything burned.

Giving up on trying to figure out how to clean or close the wound, Kaidan put as much pressure as he could on it to stem the bleeding.

"Well," Garrus rasped heavily. "I certainly never thought I'd go out like this."

"Yeah."

"But… if I am going to die… I'm glad it's with a friend."

Kaidan bit the inside of his cheek. He wanted to assure Garrus that he was going to be fine, but he couldn't. They were trapped and if no one came to get them out anytime soon, Garrus would bleed out.

"We were a good team," Kaidan said, shifting his grip to keep the pressure on the wound tight.

"The best."

"I'm proud to have fought alongside you, Garrus. I'm proud I got to be a part of something so important along with such incredible people."

"Hell of a way to go," Garrus whispered.

A sudden clang made Kaidan turn his head towards the sound. There was shuffling and some more clatter. He could definitely heard footsteps. Before he could call out, the big sheet of metal that had pinned them in was pulled up and bright light made Kaidan blink hard and shield his eyes. When he could see properly, he was looking into the surprised face of a young officer.

"Captain Anderson, we found them," he called back over his shoulder. "They're over here."

He pulled up his omnitool interface and made his way towards them. Kaidan sat back and let him look over Garrus. He could see the huge cut in the turian's side now, bleeding freely. Relief and sorrow hit him hard simultaneously. The Captain was suddenly there, before him, and he tried to stand.

"Take it easy," Anderson commanded. "It's over. You're safe now. Where's the commander."

The words felt like a gunshot to the chest. All Kaidan could do was shake his head. He halfway glanced back over his shoulder. The place where he had last seen Shepard was nothing but a pile of Reaper shrapnel and fires. No one could've survived that. Not even Shepard.

The captain lifted his head to follow Kaidan's gaze and he saw grief pass over the man's features. His mouth opened on its own accord before he closed it, pressing it into a grim, tight line. Beside him, the officer had managed to clean Garrus's wound a bit and apply a packet of medigel and was now helping him to his feet. As he was led away, Garrus turned his head sadly to glance at the ruined council chambers.

Captain Anderson extended a hand and helped Kaidan up. His leg was on fire and Anderson kept an arm on him to help support his weight before another soldier came to his aid. Kaidan stopped as the movement of Anderson turning slowly caught his eye. He followed the captain's gaze to the pile of rubble and caught a movement. He limped forward, away from the helping soldier, his heart racing. There was a flash of a familiar uniform and then a glimpse of fiery red. He felt Garrus's eyes flicker to him, but he couldn't look away.

When Shepard finally emerged on the top of a toppled chunk of concrete, burned, bloodied, and holding her side, she even had the gall to smile at him.

…

There were a lot of good things about the end of a war, which was what this whole ordeal had effectively been, but the worst part of it was all the paperwork she had to fill out and file. Once she filed all the paperwork, the Alliance would grant her an official pardon for her supposed mutiny and then she would be reassigned. For now, the Normandy was in for maintenance and she and her crew were boarding at the Citadel until everything was sorted out. She sighed and rubbed her eyes against the swirling lights that had started shimmering in her field of vision. She stood and stretched with a yawn. A soft knock made her turn her head.

"Coming," she called and padded barefoot to open the door. When it slid opened, she gave a pleasantly surprised, "Kaidan."

He stepped into the room, the door sliding shut behind him. She bent to pick up the shoes she had kicked haphazardly in the middle of the room and tossed into the corner of the open closet.

"I thought everyone would be asleep at this hour," she said over her shoulder as she headed to the desk once more. "Guess I should've known better. You always did-"

Shepard petered out as she turned back to Kaidan and found that he was standing very close to her. She swallowed hard and gave a small smile. His dark eyes were unwavering on her own.

"I'm, uh," she started again, her throat dry. "I'm actually glad you dropped by. We haven't really had a chance to talk, what with all this paperwork and everything that's happened. Or did you come to talk about something in specific?"

Kaidan gave a brief nod before his gaze travelled up to her hair. "I came because I had to tell you something."

Shepard felt her breath hitch in her throat as he gently reached up and pulled out the fastener holding her hair up in a bun. Her eyes fluttered for a moment as the red locks slid down over her shoulders and brushed her cheeks. His fingers lightly ran over the length of her hair until they touched the skin of her neck. He inched down to her collarbone.

"Something important," he added.

Shepard took in a deep breath, trying to focus on his words and not the fact that he was slowly beginning to unzip the hoodie she had been nestled in the whole day. "Important?"

"Very."

The zipper unfastened below his fingers and he reached up to push her hair and the fabric back over her shoulders. The sweater pooled at her feet. Shepard desperately touch him, but she was also very much enthralled with the captivating spell Kaidan had her under. She didn't want to stop whatever this was.

"You see," Kaidan continued calmly, his eyes falling to the button on her jeans that he was now working on. "You almost died back there. And thinking I had lost you, well… it made a lot of things very clear." The zipper came undone, revealing a small patch of exposed skin at her pelvis, which he brushed gentle fingers across. "I've never really been one to pussy-foot around. So, back when you miraculously appeared out of that hellhole, practically untouched," his hands found their way under her t-shirt and he traced his thumb over a still healing scar to the left of her bellybutton, "I decided that I was going to say all the things I hadn't said yet." With a flick of his wrist, her jeans slid to the floor with a hushed scrape of denim. Shepard obediently lifted her arms to let him peel the shirt from her torso and toss it to the floor behind her.

Kaidan's eyes lifted to hers then and they were dark and intense. "I love you, Shepard. I want to be with you. I want to hold you and watch you wake up in the mornings. I want to buy you ice cream when you're sad and kiss your temple when you're supremely happy. And I want to fuck you." He was running his fingers softly up and down her spine and over her ribs. "So if you don't feel the same way or want the same things or if the night before Ilos was a one time thing, say something now and I'll stop."

His hands had found the catch of her bra. It slid down her arms and fell to the floor at her feet. But instead of looking down at her now exposed breasts, his eyes flickered to land on her mouth. Heat grew fiercely in the pit of her stomach and spread downwards.

"Time's up," Kaidan whispered.

And then his mouth was on hers and his tongue was parting her lips and she could taste him just as his hands came up to cover her breasts. Shepard pressed against him hard, enjoying how Kaidan had assumed control. She was at a decided disadvantage, almost completely naked while he was still fully dressed, so she worked to quickly remedy the situation. She tugged at the hem of his shirt and they broke apart for her to be able to pull it over his head. The heat of his bare skin on hers caused her to shiver. Kaidan bent to place a row of kisses down her neck until he found the pulse under her skin. He pulled it sharply into his mouth just as his fingers found the peak of each breast and he twisted. Shepard gave a stilted gasp and turned his face up to hers to claim his mouth with hers once more.

With frenzied hands, she finally managed to pull down his pants, which he kicked to the side along with his shoes. His tongue circled hers and then Shepard was being pushed back towards the bed. Her knees went out from under her and Kaidan lifted her until she felt the hotel room pillows under her head. Then he sat up and looked at her, a small, dark smile on his full lips.

As his eyes slowly traveled down every inch of her naked skin, Shepard could almost feel the tingle of where his gaze touched. His eyes halted on the simple black panties she was still wearing. Kaidan leaned over her and pressed a kiss onto her lips, then began working his way down. He kissed the hollow of her neck, her collarbone, then he took a moment to pull the peak of each breath into his mouth as his fingers curled into the top of her underwear before moving on. Kaidan kissed the base of her rib cage, the flat of her stomach, the small space just above the panties. He pulled back only for a moment to pull her underwear off all the way and then his tongue was on her, warm and wet, and his hands were clenching her inner thighs.

Shepard sighed and moaned and curled her fingers in Kaidan's thick hair as each lick sent her jumping and twitching, but he held her in place, refusing to stop until she whispered his name frantically and her breathing became short and sharp. Just as she could feel herself peaking, he slipped two fingers inside her, vibrating with a biotic pulse, and she cried out, her nails scraping against the back of his head.

He didn't give her any time to come down from her high before he slid up against her and kissed her deeply and suddenly she was full of him again. Shepard's nails dug into him as he moved, starting slow and then increasing the pace and going in deep and harder each time. She gave a surprised cry as he flipped her so that she was now straddling him, but instead of being allowed to take the lead from there, Kaidan directed her, his hands on her hips. She couldn't do anything but curl her fists into his thickly muscled chest, broken cries and stilted moans slipping from her twice more before he finally joined her in his moment of release.

She slumped against him and he turned so that they were facing each other. His breaths were coming deep and hard, but he gave a relaxed and simultaneously exhausted smile. Shepard raised her hand to his cheek and ran her finger carefully across his jaw line before tracing his profile with her thumb. She smoothed over his thick, dark eyebrows, and then ran a thumb softly over each eye, the long eyelashes tickling the pads of her fingers. She slid her finger down the straight, angular line of his nose and then outlined the perfect, full shape of his lips. She could feel him watching her carefully and once she was done lingering on his lips, she pressed her mouth to his once more and then met his intense gaze.

"I love you, too, Kaidan," she said softly.

He gave a smile and brought a hand up to rest on her hip. "I know. It's good to hear it though." Shepard nodded and shifted closer to him. "This is going to be really complicated."

"Well, I may have a short-term solution," she offered, remembering a bit of advice Garrus had given her a long while back.

"Hmm?"

"How about we just… don't… tell anyone."

"That'll only work for so long, you know."

"I know. But that sounds like a future-us problem. And I really think present-us should focus more on other things."

Kaidan gave a wicked grin. "Oh really? Like what things?"

"Like the things that happened two minutes ago. Also, fucking. And, in addition to fucking, a lot of sex at frequent intervals."

"I think I can do that."

"Good, because it's kind of an order." He laughed and the sound made her smile. Shepard intertwined their fingers and pressed her forehead to his gently. "I'm sorry I made you worry."

"Yeah, well, seeing the woman you love engulfed by falling debris will do that to a person. I really thought I had lost you. I was going out of my mind."

"I already told you, you can't get rid of me that easily."


	9. Chapter 9

"So what exactly are you going to do?"

Wrex turned to look at the barren wasteland behind him. It had been three hundred years since he had last set foot on the steaming rockpile that he called home. He turned back to Liara and gave a shrug.

"Not really sure yet," he responded. "Don't really know where to start."

"Well," the asari replied with a kind, genuine smile. "It's sad to see you go. I thought you'd stick around for a while at least."

"And what? Clean up some pissant geth battalions?" Wrex laughed. "I've got better things to do than dealing with gnats."

Shepard grinned at him. "We're going to miss you, Wrex."

"Shit, don't get sappy on me now, Shepard. You didn't really think we would all just stay together forever."

"No, but I never thought you'd be the first to leave."

"Can't expect me to hang around in your shitty cargo bay for the rest of my life."

The redhead stuck out her hand. "Working with you was definitely an eye-opening experience."

The krogan took her hand in his own and shook it with a grin. "Same. At least it was never boring."

"Thanks for everything."

"Back on Virmire," he started, his deep red eyes hard and serious. "We could've killed each other. I'm glad we didn't. After what I saw there… it's time for someone to drill some kind of reason into my people's heads. And I guess I'm gonna be the one to try."

"If anyone can, it's you. You can out-stubborn a rock."

"Let's see if I can out-stubborn the rest of the krogan. I owe you one, Shepard."

He turned to the others down the line. Kaidan shook his hand, said, "It was damn good having you on our side," and wished him luck. The hazy features under Tali's helmet showed a smile as she said her goodbyes. Wrex knew she would be the next to go, she could only put off her pilgrimage for so long. When he reached Liara, she reached out and took one of his hands in both of hers. He didn't pull away, the way he probably would have with anyone else. The little asari had somehow managed to gain his high esteem. She was a bit shy, but she was quick and smart and she was impressive on the battlefield despite what one would think. Liara gave his hand a squeeze.

"Goodbye, Wrex," she said with a smile. "You're going to lead the krogan to something great."

"Chances are I'm not leading them anywhere."

"I know you will. Take care of yourself."

Wrex gave a gruff snort and turned to Garrus. The turian was leaning back against the shuttle that had brought them all out to the borderlands of Clan Urdnot's territory, his arms crossed over his chest. He straightened as Wrex stood before him.

"I think I'm going to cry," he said in that dry, sarcastic tone Wrex had come to know so well.

"Try not to. I heard turians can only cry acid."

"I wouldn't know. I've never cried before."

There was a moment of silence and then Wrex barked a laugh and Garrus broke into a smile. Wrex gave him a friendly whack on the shoulder.

"You aren't so bad, Vakarian… for a turian."

"And you aren't so bad for a krogan. Try not to get yourself killed."

"Likewise. You won't have me covering your ass anymore."

With one last nod at him, Shepard turned and motioned everyone into the transport before hopping in herself. She stood at the open door as Garrus jumped into the driver's seat and the shuttle began to rise. The engine kicked up a thick cloud of Tuchunka's ashy dust and Wrex raised an arm to shield his eyes from it.

"Hey Kaidan!" he called over the noise. Kaidan poked his head out to listen. He pointed at Shepard. "Try to keep that idiot from running head first at anything that looks like certain death."

Kaidan laughed and Shepard gave him the finger. And then they were gone, speeding across the sky and out of sight and Wrex was standing alone on old Tuchunka soil that hadn't changed or grown anything new in ages. He turned towards the heart of Clan Urdnot's territory and started walking.

He was going to make things change or he was going to die trying.

…

So much had happened in the three months that had followed the defeat of Sovereign and its puppet Saren that Kaidan could barely wrap his head around it all. The Citadel had instantly begun reconstruction and repairs for the areas that had been damaged in the battle. The Normandy's crew had all gone through extensive debrief and had been issued an official pardon for mutiny. A memorial service had been held for all those who had given their lives in service with the Alliance, with a special ceremony for Ashley. She was awarded a purple heart and was posthumously promoted. Anderson was officially inducted as a Council member a few days after. The Normandy was reassigned a new mission. Then Wrex left, followed by Tali three weeks later. When she had left, Kaidan had found Garrus in the mess and the turian had mentioned that maybe it was time he started to think about what his next move was going to be. But, after that talk he didn't mention it again and didn't look like he would be leaving the Normandy anytime soon. Liara had also stuck around, often holed up in her room with articles and books and muttering about research notes. And as for himself and Shepard…

She was lying beside him, folded into the curve of his body, her head on his arm. He loved moments like this, where they were just side by side in comfortable silence. After so long a period of constant action and pain and fear, little moments of quiet and boredom and inactivity seemed like heaven. Her breathing was rhythmic and deep, but he knew she wasn't asleep, not yet anyway. Kaidan took a moment to look her over. Her long red hair was spread out over his arm and the pillow behind her like a rippling wave of fire. The freckles across the bridge of her nose stood out against her creamy skin, something endearing about the line of dots spanning over her cheekbones.

Kaidan bent and very gently placed a kiss on her lips. When he pulled back she was smiling, but it took her a moment to open her eyes and look up at him sleepily.

"What was that for?" she asked, shifting closer to him.

He didn't reply, he just kissed her again, lingering this time. She parted her lips under his and he tasted her for a brief moment. With his thumb he tilted her jaw up and deepened the kiss, his hand sliding back over her shoulder and down to her ass. Her fingers were in his hair, gripping, pulling him closer.

Kaidan pulled back gently after another few moments. He gave her a contented smile before slowly disentangling himself. "Mind if I use your shower?"

She didn't respond, but he wasn't really waiting for one. He had been using her shower a lot now. He dropped his clothes onto the floor and turned the hot water on full blast before stepping into the jet. He was wetting his hair through when he heard the shower door open and a cold blast of air hit him for a moment. Kaidan turned and found Shepard closing up after herself. She met his gaze and smiled.

"You woke me, felt me up, and then decided to take a shower?" she said with a grin. The overspray coming off of him was sprinkling her body in glistening water droplets that ran down her skin temptingly. "I don't think so. You've got to finish what you started."

She closed the already small gap between them. The water from the shower head trickled down over the both of them as his arms automatically wrapped around her. Her skin was soft and warm where it pressed against his own. Locks of her hair began to curl loosely as the water dampened them. Shepard leaned up and kissed him, her tongue flicking teasingly into his mouth as she slid her hands down his chest and scraped a fingernail softly down the length of him. He gave a quick laugh as she broke from him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get you all hot and bothered," he said, pressing her further into him and kissing her neck.

"Well," she said on a gasp as he bit down lightly on her earlobe. "You did, so fix it."

"Gladly."


	10. Chapter 10

Everything was burning.

Joker could hear screaming and crying and the roaring sound of fires. He could hear multiple explosions going off at the far end of the ship. Pressley was lying dead behind him.

_This must be what hell looked like._

His fingers were flying over the keys and he was still calling out status reports. To whom he didn't know because he was alone in the cockpit. Everyone else was either dead or gone. The Normandy was dying beneath his very fingertips. He grit his teeth and tried to get the faltering engine to move, to get the hell away from whatever that other ship was.

"Come on Joker, we have to get out of here." Shepard was at his elbow, stabilizing herself against his chair.

"No! I won't abandon the Normandy," he cried. This was his home. This was were he belonged. This was the only place where he actually matter, right here in this seat and this burning hull. "I can still save her."

"The Normandy is lost. Going down with the ship won't change that." Shepard's voice was stern, but understanding. She knew, somehow, what this was doing to him. She understood why it was so hard.

"Yeah, okay. Help me up."

It was in the moment that he resigned himself to the loss of his ship, of his home, that he was overwhelmed. Just as he was beginning the painful process of standing the monitor began beeping frantically. He saw that the ship was coming around for another attack and before he knew what he was doing he was trying to maneuver the ship out of the way. Another blast from the enemy cannon seared through the hole and rocked him forward. Then Shepard was grabbing his arm in a steel grip and pulling him to his feet. Wincing with pain, he managed to hobble alongside her to the escape pod. He grabbed the lip of the doorway and eased himself into one of the seats, fumbling with shaking fingers to strap himself in. He jumped as an explosion went off directly behind the escape pod and by the time he looked up, Shepard was gone.

One moment she had been standing in the doorway about to crawl in beside him and the next she was floating in the destroyed hull of the ship, holding on to the damaged wall of the bridge.

"Commander!" Joker cried out, his heart in his throat.

Another explosion sounded and he could see Shepard propelled outwards, dangerously close to leaving the confines of the ship. The escape pod VI was spouting emergency directions.

"Shepard!" he screamed.

The commander spun weightlessly, trying to find a handhold, anything to stop herself. The VI shut the pod door.

"No! NO! Shepard! Shepard!"

The cannon fired again, ripping what remained of the Normandy to shreds. The escape pod juddered beneath him as the VI activated the escape trajectory. Shepard's tiny shape was spinning away from the ship into empty space.

"Shepard!" Joker frantically attempted to open the door. He looked for piloting controls and found none. Shepard was spinning closer and closer towards the planet below. If he didn't do something fast she would be pulled down by the gravitational pull. "SHEPARD!"

And then the Normandy erupted into a massive ball of fire and Joker couldn't see anything but orange and yellow flames through the tears on his lashes.

…

Shepard was consumed by heat and everything was just a blur and she flipped, end over end. Black space, white stars, orange flames, brown and green arcs of land, black space, white stars, orange flames, brown and green arcs of land, black space… She felt her head pound against something metal.

It was the hissing that finally broke through all the years of military training and sent her into a panic. The system control in her suit helmet was flashing red and buzzing in her ear, but the sound was muffled, a mere nothing, compared to the hiss of air escaping from her oxygen tube.

Shepard struggled to find the leak and patch it with her hands, hold in as much oxygen as she could, but the hissing didn't stop. It didn't lessen. There was a breach in her suit.

She was going to die.

The sound of her labored, frenzied breathing rose to match the pitch and insistency of the hiss of escaping oxygen. She tried to tell herself to breathe shallowly, normally, that she needed to conserve what air she had left.

But her head was so light and she was so cold. Her legs kicked weakly as she pulled in another heavy breath, her lungs screaming. Her ears were ringing so loudly she couldn't hear the hissing anymore. Shepard tried to swallow and couldn't. Her eyes were dimming, vision blurred with tears. Her head hurt, everything hurt, she was in agonizing pain. Her lungs ached and when she tried to draw in breath, she found she couldn't. Dimly she was aware of threads of red and white streaming around her as the planet loomed closer. There was a part of her - dim and waning, dying - that knew she was burning.

But she was cold, so cold.

…

"Where's the commander? Where is Shepard?"

Even though Joker knew he'd be the first to approach him and ask the dreaded question, he still couldn't look Kaidan in the eyes. Kaidan waited only a moment before pushing past him to look into the escape pod he'd come from. It only took a moment for Kaidan to confirm that it was empty. He came around to stand before Joker once more, Garrus appearing behind him.

"Joker, where is she?" Kaidan asked.

Joker flinched at his voice, his heart shattering in his chest. He shook his head and finally lifted his eyes to meet the other man's.

"I'm so sorry, Kaidan," he managed to get out through his thick tongue.

Kaidan took in his expression and his dark eyes went wide, the expression in them wild. "What… what happened? She went for you, she…"

"The enemy ship came around for another attack. The Normandy's hull exploded. She was thrown clear from the escape pod. I couldn't… I didn't even have time to…"

Kaidan shook his head. "No."

"Kaidan," Garrus said sadly.

"No! She's alive. If anyone could survive, it's Shepard. She did it once before."

"She's gone," Joker began.

"We need to search the Normandy's wreckage. She's alive, I'm not giving up on her."

"She's _gone_, Kaidan."

"You don't know that, how could you?"

"I saw her!"

Joker felt the words hitch in his throat and sting. His brain was screaming that what he was saying was impossible. Shepard couldn't be gone, she couldn't. She burned too bright to have just been snuffed out so suddenly. But the tears that blurred his vision whispered the truth to him.

"I saw her. She's not in the Normandy wreckage. She was spaced. I could just see a breach in her suit, the oxygen line had ruptured. And then…" A tear escaped and slid down his cheek as he closed his eyes against the memory. "And then the planet's gravity pulled her down. She's dead. Shepard is dead."


	11. Chapter 11

Everything about the funeral was a cruel joke.

It should have been dark and raining, but there was no rain scheduled on Shepard's home colony that day. The entire galaxy should have been weeping, but the passing townspeople couldn't be bothered to do more than wonder what the host of Alliance troops was doing congregated below them. The minister would occasionally gesture to the grave beside his podium, but there was no nothing in there - no body, no sleeping soul, nothing but emptiness. And the way he spoke about her, as if he knew who she was and what she loved and how she'd lived her life, but he didn't know a fucking thing about her, he'd never even met her.

Kaidan had stood in stony silence in the front row of the Normandy's surviving crew. He'd waited until the minister's words faded away. He'd obediently fallen into line when the procession started and fired the honorary shots into the air and folded the flag and he had done it all without a single tear or his hands shaking. When people began approaching him to give their condolences for his fallen commander, not knowing the truth behind what their relationship had been, he had nodded appreciatively and shaken their hands a little too firmly and stood as still as he could until it was over. Because if he moved, he would rip apart at the seams. If he spoke, he would scream until there was no more air in his lungs. If he made eye contact, he would burn people with his gaze.

He didn't linger at the grave site. Shepard wasn't there. Shepard was gone and standing at an empty plot of land wouldn't do a thing to bring her back. Seeing her name on a tomb would bring him no peace. The grave could burn, the universe could burn as she had burned and he still would be unsatisfied.

There had been a bar several miles back up the road and Kaidan made his way toward it, forgoing the wake that would follow the ceremony. Duty said that he should be there. Fuck duty. He was past caring. When he got to the bar, he slid into a seat and ordered a double of whiskey, neat.

"Same, on the rocks." Kaidan didn't turn to look as Joker slid onto the barstool beside him. When his drink came, Joker knocked half of it back in a gulp.

"Didn't think you were a whiskey kind of guy," Kaidan said, his voice raspy with disuse.

"Someone once told me that everyone likes whiskey and if they didn't they should."

There was a very long silence between them where Kaidan drank two more doubles and Joker finished his first and half of another. Kaidan could see that the pilot was already on the good side of tipsy. He was still thinking straight, but he was thinking a lot.

"I'm sorry, Kaidan."

He didn't glance up from his glass. "For what."

"For this. For everything. It was my fault." Kaidan gave a deep sigh, but Joker barreled on. "If I had just obeyed the order, if I hadn't been so fucking stubborn, she wouldn't have…"

"What? She wouldn't have what?" Kaidan's voice was low and surprisingly even, but not angry. "Let's say you had obeyed the abandon ship right away. You would've gotten up from your chair and then what?"

Joker was quiet for a moment and his hand clenched tightly on the whiskey glass. "And then I would've hobbled my ass across the bridge towards an escape pod."

"Exactly. You know that, I know that, and Shepard sure as shit knew that. Everyone else on the bridge was dead or had fled already and there was no way you were making it to the escape pod unassisted. So even if you had abandoned ship right away, Shepard still would've gone to get you."

"You should still be pissed at me," Joker snapped angrily. "I am and I wasn't in a relationship with her. I wasn't in love with her and I still hate that she's dead and I'm not."

Kaidan finished his third drink in the span of another long silence between them. "She told me to go."

Joker looked at him, confused. "What?"

"When the attack started, she told me to go and I did. I went because that's what we had always promised each other. Because we agreed that duty came first. Because we refused to let whatever was happening between us compromise the lives of others or the mission or the greater good. So she ordered me to go. And I did."

"Kaidan…" Joker was at a loss for words, which he found amusing in a horribly sad way. Joker, who always had something to say, seemed speechless. After a minute, he found his tongue. "Using your own logic: if you had stayed, what would that have changed? Maybe you would've died with her. Maybe some of the others you helped onto the escape shuttles would've died because you weren't there."

"That's just it," Kaidan responded. "I don't know what would've changed if I had stayed with her, Joker. I'll never know."

…

Her hand ached from relentlessly pounding on his door, but Liara refused to give up.

"Kaidan," she called again, knocking once more and ignoring her scraped knuckles. "I know you're in there, Kaidan. Please open up."

She had been standing outside his hotel room for the past five minutes and hadn't gotten any response. All throughout the funeral she was thinking that she had never seen so dark a look on his face before. She hadn't even thought it'd been possible for him to have looked so terrifyingly distant and angry and destroyed. When he hadn't appeared at the wake she'd begun to truly worry. He had pulled so far back from everyone else that she was afraid he would do something irreparable to himself.

"Please let me in," she begged softly.

"You can't help me, Liara." The sudden and unexpected response from him had the opposite effect. Instead of relief it managed to finally cut through her self-control. His voice moved closer so that she knew he was just on the other side of the door. "No one can."

"Kaidan…" Liara lay her hand flat against the door. "You shouldn't be alone right now."

She leaned her forehead against the door as tears sprung into her eyes. There were other reasons she was standing outside his door and not anyone else's. Because of everyone else, Kaidan truly knew what she was feeling. Her nails scraped against the metal door as her hand clenched into a fist.

"I don't want to be alone," she added as she closed her eyes and tears slipped down her cheeks.

There was another moment of silence where she considered that maybe she had gone to far. She was being selfish, she shouldn't have come here. But then she heard the beep of the console as the door was unlocked and Kaidan was standing in front of her and pulling her into a tight embrace. She gripped his shirt tightly and buried her face in the slope of his shoulder, unable to stop herself from crying. Kaidan tightened his arms around her and stood very still, holding her, his cheek pressed to the top of her head. They stayed that way for a long while, the door closing automatically behind her.

Kaidan didn't let her go until the tears had stopped and her breaths were coming normally. Finally, he pulled back gently, lifted a hand to her cheek and wiped away a lingering tear with his thumb, and gave her a small, exhausted smile before leading the way to the small kitchenette in the room. His look had been kind and reassuring, but his eyes were distant, tired… empty. Liara followed him into the room and took a seat on the armchair.

"Do you want a drink?" he asked over his shoulder.

She was about to accept when she realized what was so strange about him. He'd been drinking, from the looks of him, for a long while. He had a scruff of beard; his hair wasn't in it's usual brushed back perfection, but unconcernedly combed through with his anxiously fingers; his clothes were heavily worn and slightly disheveled. Thinking that it might be better for him if she didn't, Liara declined. Kaidan pulled a couple of small bottles from the mini fridge and poured the contents into a glass, then sat on the couch across from her.

"I'm sorry," Liara said, her voice husky from crying. "I know I shouldn't have come. It was… it was selfish of me. I just…"

Kaidan nodded. He sipped at the amber liquid in his glass, staring down into it as his fingers idly traced the rim. "You loved her."

Liara felt a jolt run through her heart at the words. Her face flushed with heat as she answered quickly, "Everyone loved Shepard."

"But you were in love with her, too."

She swallowed hard and met his dark eyes. His gaze was hollow, not accusatory. He was stating fact, not presenting an angry argument. Liara dropped her gaze to her hands, folded tightly in her lap.

"I couldn't help but be in love with her," she responded truthfully. "She was so overwhelmingly impressive."

Kaidan gave a small, gruff laugh. "Yeah. I can't blame you. She burst in like a goddamn fallen angel and saved you, pulled you right out of Saren's hands and whisked you away. And she had this way of making you feel like you were the most important thing in the universe."

"Did you," she started. "Did you always know?" He nodded. "Why didn't you ever say anything?"

"I didn't think you wanted me to. I didn't want to make it worse, I didn't want to seem like I was holding it over you or pushing it in your face. I got the impression that you wanted to work through it alone. Was I wrong?"

Liara shook her head. "Watching the two of you was difficult."

"I'm sorry. I thought we did a pretty good job of keeping things professional in public"

"You did. But I was looking hard where no one else was. The way you looked at each other… it was… it was obvious how much you loved each other. I wished she would look at me that way, but I knew she never would. And the worst part was, I couldn't even hate you. You're such an incredible person, always so rational and so kind to me, to everyone. In truth, it was that fact, the way you were with each other, that helped me cope. I couldn't stop myself from loving her and I don't know if I will ever be able to love her in a way that wasn't romantically interested, but it helps knowing that you two cared so much about each other. I didn't have the right to try and get in the way of you."

"You deserve to be happy, Liara," Kaidan whispered after a long moment of silence. He sniffed and pushed his hair off of his forehead. Liara could see that his eyes were glistening.

"You too, Kaidan. You will be happy again."

"How? Because I can't even imagine not feeling like shit."

"Someday you'll want to be happy again. You'll want to stop hurting so much. You'll fight for it. In the beginning it will just be going through the motions of being happy, but little by little, happiness will come."


	12. Chapter 12

Three turians, three humans, and a batarian in front of her. Two more batarians at her rear. The human and the batarian that had assaulted her in the bathroom last week were standing in the group at the front. Now that their friends had shown up, they didn't look quite so terrified. It was funny how they thought the numbers mattered to her.

"You," she said, pointing at the human. She turned her finger to the batarian. "And you. I'm going to rip you apart so fast you'll be able to see your fucking insides on the floor beside you before you die. I suggest the rest of you limp-dicked little pussies get the fuck out of my way before I decide that you've all pissed me off."

"You're outnumbered, Zero," the batarian said with a scoff.

Jack's jaw worked, her lip twitched at the name. She didn't think she could hate the petty excuse for a man standing in front of her any more than she had, but he'd managed to surprise her. The fingers on each hand spread as she was consumed in a glorious blue haze the spread from her core.

"I'll throw you like a toy!" she screamed.

The guards all raised their guns to fire, despite the warden's specific instructions two days ago to keep Subject Zero alive. Bullets ricocheted off the barrier Jack had thrown up and she yelled as she pushed the field out in a violent wave, toppling over the guards around her. Before they could do anything more than fall over, Jack reached out, the warm, crackling glow of the mass effect field filling her, and she plucked the batarian up from the floor. She smiled viciously before slamming him to the floor. He landed against the metal tiles with a sickening crunch and lay still in a pool of his own blood.

Jack turned her attention to the human. He caught her eye and shook his head, terror making him tremble from head to toe. He moved to pick up his gun and Jack let a shockwave fly loose from the tips of her fingers. Her blood sang, her skin tingled, she felt the rush of power surge through her bones as a line of destruction ripped through the floor towards the second guard. He cried out as the biotic blast tore his limbs from his body, rents opening through his armor and down to the muscle and bone inside.

The rest of the guards were getting up now, but they were too late. Jack let another blast flow wide around her, toppling those who were just getting to their feet before she plucked one guard after another from the floor before tossing them aside over the banister, into the wall, across the walkway. More guards were coming, but she didn't care. She was alive and on fire, rage burning a hole through her center. Her chest was heaving, her blood pounding in her ears.

Then suddenly she was enveloped by in a shimmering bubble. Not her own blue fury, but from a generator. Jack turned to see the warden striding towards her confidently, his omni-tool glowing. Jack grit her teeth before yelling.

"I'll fucking skin you alive!" she screamed.

Kuril paid little mind. "I specifically instructed that Zero was to be kept alive. Clean this mess up before I put a bullet in the rest of you. Do you know what you almost cost me?"

Jack yelled again, wordless rage and she tried, despite knowing that it was impossible, to call up her biotics within the generator. The blue haze coursed sluggishly through her veins, it flickered once, again, and then slowly held, growing stronger by the second. Jack frantically pulled at the air with her fingers. The guards stepped back, raising their guns panicked as she pulled chunks of the barrier out of the air by sheer force of will. At first she managed only to make small pockets, but her movements became frenzied and bolder with each second. The barrier flickered. Jack screamed. And then the warden jabbed something into her neck and she collapsed to the floor.

Jack tried to roll her eyes up to Kuril's face, but couldn't. She couldn't so much as twitch a finger. Her biotics had retreated and left her cold and empty. The warden bent to look her, his face unmoved and complacent.

"You're almost more trouble than you're worth, Jack," he said to her as two guards came and picked her up between them. "But, as it turns out, you're worth quite a lot. Lucky for you. Take her to cryo."

Jack tried to scream, to cry out, to flare up. But whatever Kuril had injected into her bloodstream had paralyzed her every muscle. She could feel panic rising, darkness closing in. She couldn't kick or curse. She couldn't fight back. She couldn't defend herself. What was she without her biotics? Nothing. Just a skinny, soft girl who still had to remind herself to not cry herself to sleep at night.

The guards clamped restraints across her stomach, her wrists, her neck. She could feel the cold through the metal. She focused on trying to open her mouth as fear pounded darkly in her temples.

"No," she almost managed to whisper.

And then there was a painful blast of icy air from below and darkness.

...

Six months.

That's how long it had been since the last time he had felt at ease. Not filled with frustration or rage or bitterness. That's how long Shepard had been dead.

Garrus hadn't noticed back then how much he had come to depend on her, how much she had managed to temper him. He had felt a sense of purpose when he worked with Shepard. What they had done had mattered and in the end, that's what he had always wanted. When she had died, the sense of fulfilment and purpose had died too.

It wasn't as if he didn't try. After her funeral, Garrus had gone back to the Citadel and rejoined C-Sec. He had sat at his old desk and for the two weeks, he managed to forget what it had been like there. He had pushed away the memories of fruitless effort and red tape. Then the reports started coming in about how the geth threat was over. Sovereign and his forces had been defeated.

The worst part was that everyone, _everyone_, ate it up with a spoon. "The battle is over," he'd hear while walking down the streets. "We won. We're safe."

Garrus clicked his teeth. _Safe_. He scoffed at the word. They were no safer than they had been three months before. But the thought of danger was swept under the rug along with the Reaper threat and Shepard. Everything they had accomplished, everything they had done was being hidden away and forgotten.

It was the new promotional vids for the rebuilding project that started running throughout the Citadel that really got to him in the end. "A better Citadel for a better, brighter future." It made his blood boil. When that coupled with the fact that the Executor allowed yet another red sand dealer slip right through his fingers, Garrus had finally snapped. Before he was even fully aware of what he was doing, he was standing before Pallin resigning and then he was on ship to Omega after following the leads he'd picked up. If he wasn't able to bring this piece of scum down through C-Sec then he would bring him down on his own.

He had stood at the exit of the docking bay where his ship had dropped him off, nothing but a duffle bag strapped over his shoulder. Inside the duffle was what little money he had to his name, a random assortment of clothing he'd grabbed in his anger, spare ammo clips, and his guns. He could hear the hiss and clank of old pipe works, the air swirled thickly around him, heavy with sweat and fear and burning metal.

The truth was he hadn't known where to begin now that he was here. His burning anger had brought him to this point and it had started to fade. He eaten when he got hungry, made a couple of inquires about the red sand dealer, managed to find out about a place to sleep that night. Then he'd heard the terrified sobs coming from an alley and he'd stumbled upon a vorcha holding up an elderly couple. His gut took over once more and before long he was watching as the vorcha scuttled away, bleeding and terrified, and the human couple was hanging on his arm and thanking him, calling him an angel. Once again, Garrus found his purpose. He settled into a room for rent located on a street you had to work to find. It took him two weeks before he pinned down the drug dealer.

Now here he stood, his pistol held to the red sand dealer's temple as the man pleaded for his life. He was shaking, his eyes wide and full of fear. His nose was red and bleeding and Garrus knew he was high. Moments ago he had been violent and dangerous, but now he was nothing more than a trembling pool of filth at Garrus's feet.

"Please," he sobbed, mucus and blood dribbling over his quivering chin. "I-I-I-I'll stop! I'll give it all up and get out of the game. Just please, don't kill me. I'll stop! I'll stop!"

"How many people died because of you?" Garrus asked, his jaw clenched hard. "Huh? How many lives have you ruined?"

"I just wanted to make some money! Please, please, I'll stop!"

"You won't."

"I swear! I swear I'll stop! I swear!"

The man had feeble, pale hands raised to half shield his face. His eyes were watery and bloodshot, the whites yellowed with the taint of the drug and the irises jumpy. He was sweating, his skin covered in a greasy sheen of filth and fear. There were bloodstains on his clothes, days old, and Garrus wondered if it was his own or someone else's. His pants were soiled and stiff with grime. He licked the blood off his lips nervously, still murmuring promises to stop his drug dealing and killing and raping.

Garrus knew he should've felt pity for him, for the trembling, destroyed creature sitting at the other end of his gun, but he felt nothing but revulsion and hatred. Shepard would've been able to talk him down, to convince him that turning him in and letting the system work was the best thing he could do. But Shepard wasn't with him to tell him any of that. She hadn't been with him for a long time, too long a time, and she wouldn't ever be with him again.

He pulled the trigger.

…

Miranda had been called a lot of things: "shallow princess", "plastic whore", "conceited", "arrogant twat", "stuck-up", "egotistical megalomaniac", "uptight skank", even one time - probably the most creative one she'd ever heard - "cock-sucking, anal-fisting, tramped-up, cunt-licking bag of tits and ass". She'd been impressed at that last one. Not impressed enough to hesitate on pulling the trigger on the colorful asari commando, but impressed nonetheless.

But the name she was called the most, by far, was "bitch". It was far from creative, overused and underwhelming, but she thought that people liked it the most because it rang the truest. They whispered it and screamed it. It came out all at once in a moment of rage and hissed through clenched teeth. It could be impersonal or filled with all-consuming hatred.

Wilson liked to mutter it sourly under his breath when he thought she was out of listening range.

Miranda didn't care. If she flew off the handle every time some idiot with a bruised ego called her a bitch or an ice queen, she would've killed seventy-five percent of the people she came in contact with. And unfortunately, she still needed Wilson to complete the Lazarus Project.

With a sigh she glanced over at the medtable again where the mass of tubes and lumps of meat that was supposed to be Commander Shepard was. The assignment was difficult and expensive and there had been more than one time where nothing but Miranda's sheer will and stubborn refusal to fail had been the only thing that had pushed the project along. Wilson was in the corner, monitoring the regrowth of Shepard's muscle tissue. He was doing it carefully now that Miranda had snapped him into attention with a cold rebuke on how, as talented as he was, he could be replaced if he wasn't fully invested in his work. Wilson had glowered and tried to lob a messy response to save what was left of his dignity before watching her walk away and muttering an angry, "Bitch," under his breath. Miranda ignored him. As long as he got his work done, she didn't really care if he called her childish names.

She stepped back to her own work, piecing together Shepard's extensive file. When the commander did wake up, she would have to run memory drills to make sure the experiment was a success. She read over the basic background information again.

Shepard, Jane. Born April 11th, 2154 on Mindoir. Orphaned at the age of 16 during a slave raid on the colony. Joined the Alliance two years after. Awarded a Star of Terra and was called "Hero of Elysium" after remarkable actions during the Skyllian Blitz.

Miranda read the name again before looking at the picture in the file. Jane. She'd never have imagined her having such a simple name. It wasn't that it was completely _wrong_, but the fact that it was never used seemed natural.

Shepard's file, which Miranda had been carefully compiling for the past nine months, listed off achievement after achievement. There were scores of near-death experiences and seemingly impossible feats accomplished. She was an impressive specimen, to be certain, but four billion credits in and Miranda wasn't sure one woman was worth it. She rolled her neck and got back to her work.

It wasn't her job to decide how much Shepard was worth, it was her job to make sure Shepard was put back together.


End file.
